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Originally Posted by Open Eyes
[B]Oh, ok, I see what is going on here clearer. And my advice on this is for your best interest. You have a good heart and I can understand how you like this young man and connect with him based on your own insecurities. As you mentioned, you are both very shy and somewhat introverted. And you are both exploring the reasons behind this.
Silent, you do have to know that you alone cannot FIX him and yes, he is exploring his inner confusion about his sexuality. And I can see that part of what he is doing is looking at you as a woman and wondering about what it must be like to be a woman. And with your own lack of experience in your own sexuality this is a big challenge to YOU. I honestly don't see a normal relationship in all of this to be honest. And this is not critisizing you in any way. This is a very difficult issue for both of you. And neither of you have a lot of experience or real knowledge about the dimentions of what is going on psychologically here.
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I know I can't fix him alone. I wonder at times if I even help him. He considers himself 'broken' and has stated such on more than one occasion. I'm pretty sure I knew that to a degree already.. but you know how when you want something badly enough your brain is willing to overlook certain things.. There's nothing really normal about this relationship.. and I know it.. he's very.. complicated and in fact a friend of mine code-named him 'the complication'..
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Now, the fact that you DO want to follow a natural couse that ivolves kissing is a sign that you have some normal sense of a normal interaction between opposite sexes. And there is a part of you that is attracted to him and does want to consider a relationship in the normal sense of what that means. He doesn't really have that silent as you can see. And you have not truely explored your own sexuallity yet so this situation is not really fair to you because it puts too much doubt into the mix here.
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Well my previous relationships kind of sucked.. each lasting more than half a year and going utterly nowhere. (Again, no first kiss..).. I know the situation's not fair to me, but, if you can understand this, I've been a bit of a martyr my entire life.. I'm very used to it in ways.. I take the fall for people; I continue on in painful relations even though I know I'm better off without them... I forgive many Many things that I shouldn't.. because I can't stand to see other people in emotional pain.. Additionally, relationships aren't easy for me.. I'm never.. and I mean Never attracted to someone until after I have some kind of a deep friendship with them.. there's a word to describe this is i remember right it's something like demisexual.. and my mind tends to fixate on things.. i don't know How to pull myself from someone else I care for deeply.
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In a situation like this, at least one party should know their own sexuality first. This is a lot to deal with and can add to your own confusion, and that is exactly what is taking place here. You cannot base your own sexuality on this situation where he is truely confused about who he is and what his own body is struggling with. This confusion he has most likely is based in his genetic make up and it is clear there is something that is challenging him. This is a difficult area and this is going to confuse you and you may make some conclusions about yourself in this that isn't healthy for you to be honest. And you cannot give him this decision he is trying to make about himself, it is already causing you confusion.
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Base my sexuality on this? I know how I feel and who towards.. I've been in 3 relationships prior to my interest with him... even if I know I often choose people who have excessive personal problems, which, I know, is not good for me.. It's not that i specifically seek them out.. it's that we're able to bond as friends because of things like that and.. the whole demisexual bit.
Yes, his genetic makeup is the major factor and driving component of his depressions.. it is essentially what's challenging him.. It does confuse me because he changes so drastically over such a shot amount of time.. for a while he can be happy.. and the perfect guy I got to be friends with over the course of last school year.. and then without warning something will depress him horribly and there's nothing I or anyone else can do to lift his spirits.
What do you mean by giving him the decision he's trying to make about himself?
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It really sounds like he is using you to explore your body for something he wants himself, a female body. And he may even end up disliking you because what he is doing is using your body and thinking more about wanting it to be his to explore and have as his own sexuality. Silent, you cannot give him that, and I am worried that the more you let him do this, the harder it will be for him and it may turn into something that you just do not have any real capacity to deal with or understand.
This is pretty deep and troubling and has no real relationship in the mix that will prove healthy for either of you IMO.
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It's been going on for more than half a year now.. slowly progressing.. but I'm going to use every ounce of courage I have to try and lay a line down when next we meet.. I won't let him do something like that to me again without some real change.. in a few areas I'd rather not even get into.. it seems like everyone I mention him to comes to dislike him for things he's done.
It's not going to be easy for him to understand. He see's us as 'different than most friends; closer than most friends'... and When I asked to be able to kiss him on the cheek he initially wrote it off altogether because he would be too embarrassed and it would be 'overly friendly' it was only later that I even remembered even the breast touching bit and pointed it out to him, he said '... well.. yeah but. that's science. i'm investigating' I said, 'well i've never been able to just kiss a guy's cheek before so mine could be dubbed scientific as well' and after a second's consideration he accepted..
None of my previous relationships were mentally healthy either.. but once i fixate on someone.. i don't know how to defixate without being rejected or the relationship trying and failing.. and though he wrote he's not comfortable with the idea of a relationship he 'wouldn't rule out a kiss in the future' and has done so many things indicative in a more normal sense of wanting something more.. so i can't help having that illogical hope that won't let me let go of him.
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I understand that you like him because of the other qualities he has, but this trouble he has with identifying his sexuality is truely over your head. This question of his is not something you can decide for him and you cannot continue to try to do something for him that is just not good for you. Yes, everything you are saying here, "I AM CONFUSED" is the result of you trying to understand something that you truely have no real capacity to understand or solve.
His resolve is not going to have anything to do with your ability to have a normal relationship. His resolve is not going to answer any of YOUR own questions about YOU and YOUR SEXUALITY.
This situation is not healthy for you. I think that you should just be friends and leave his problems up to a professional that can help him figure this out.
Open Eyes
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I can't just leave him.. he has deep trust problems with doctors, and would never be comfortable enough to tell a professional how he felt... he loathes the unnatural so won't so much as consider antidepressants (which I have suggested, even 'natural' ones like the st johns wort my mom was trying to force on me), as they'd make him 'the product of pills'. I just... want him to be able to be like he was when I met him.. irritated with sexism in society but otherwise mostly ok.. and mostly happy and funny and thoughtful and caring..
I know the situation's not healthy for me.. but I don't see how exactly i could remove myself from it.. i don't think i have it in me.