I've dropped by this forum from time to time, but thought that it really didn't apply to me. I think I left a bit of advice and felt glad that, though I have severe issues, I never really hated myself.

Currently, I feel awful bad about who and what I am. Since last night, I have been thinking about this forum and feeling rather like I belong here. I feel like I am a complete disgrace. And I can't stand it. It is taking over, and I really can't stand it. Now I think I know why there is so much pain expressed here.

I thought I was mostly, and mainly, upset with how life is and how I got some bad breaks that I didn't blame myself for. All that was real depressing and cost me plenty of tears.

Well, now I am blaming me and I'm not good at taking blame. I'm doing nothing to help myself - for days, now! (Probably for months, if I think about it hard enough.) I feel like I've already lost the respect of people involved in my care, like my pdoc, who told me to consider maybe just not going to see him anymore.

I'm a mess - literally. I look a mess. My place is a mess. I've neglected things I'm responsible for, and that hasn't been all that much, lately. I feel like - Who could possibly look my situation over and not lose respect for me? I have lost respect for myself. I feel like all I deserve from anyone who could really see what I'm doing with my life is total disgust. Disgust. It feels awful. I tell myself to do something about how I am, and then I continue doing nothing, and I guess I'm at the point where I loath myself.

Nothing bad that ever happened to me makes me feel as sorrowful as what I've let myself deteriorate into. That's what seems so bad. I see that it is my fault. I am just letting it happen.