T says that I mistreat people and use them, and that's why I never seem to be able to keep friends for very long. I have never had an equal relationship with normal give and take. It doesn't balance. I either act helpless and needy, or I put myself in a helper role (at least predominantly).

Apparently it isn't okay to ask someone who has a truck to help me with getting hay for my animals (my truck broke down last summer and I can't afford a new one), and it isn't okay to ask someone to watch over my kids when my husband and I both have to be out of town at the same time for work. I'm supposed to arrange things so I don't have to go at the same time as him, but that would mean I couldn't go to the workshops that my employer has paid for me to attend, that I asked for. I guess I shouldn't have asked.

The problem is that I don't reciprocate enough. I keep taking more than I ever give. But I'm wondering if maybe I over-report what I take and under-report what I give. Is it possible that I don't value anything that I have to offer? T would never let me take that back or change my story that way though.

I don't want to be a bad person or selfish and needy and dependent. I want to be responsible and I want to give back as much or more than I receive.

Last week I just figured out at least part of why I'm like that. I was dependent and clingy with my friends in elementary school because I needed them around so that the bullies wouldn't beat me up on the way home from school. Somehow I held onto the idea that friends are supposed to take care of me and protect me. And I felt too small and weak and helpless to do anything for them. I never had anything to offer.

I don't know what I'm asking. I'm not supposed to ask for help with therapy stuff either, but T doesn't believe that I can actually stop doing that. In some things, I'm resourceful and good at solving problems, but not when it comes to this stuff. At least not when it's me. It's so much easier to point out options for someone else.

Sorry for rambling aimlessly.

Rap