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Originally Posted by Open Eyes
Well, you have a lot going on in yourself Silentempath, and you are very smart and you are also very aware of the broken parts of people. And there is also a part of you that has a strong desire to somehow fix that. That is where this difficulty in breaking away from broken people comes from. And I have to admit that I can relate to that. But with me, I have realized that it comes from my past and my own struggles from an early age that brought this out in me. I never truely saw this before. Unfortunately I am revisiting it in a very uncomfortable way right now through my PTSD.
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I really think it has to do with a fear of hurting them more by leaving them than of not fixing them.. though I'd love to see them grow happier, and I'd Love to be the one to have helped them... i'm more afraid of upsetting them worse by leaving them.. I'm sorry to make you revisit unpleasant experiences/memories..
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But this is not just me, this actually happens a lot and often many people go into practicing psychotherapy because they have this strong need to help people FIX themselves. However what can happen is a therapist can do pretty well at that but they never take time to FIX themselves. This is a very real problem, even my therapist and I talked about this.
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I'll admit.. with the economy and not wanting to burn myself out in art I've been heavily considering switching my major to psychology.. i already intended psychology to be my minor..
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Yes, you are a silent empathetic person who recognizes the weakness in others, because you know it yourself. But you have to find a way to first address yourself, you truely cannot just set yourself aside to fix others, even if there is a scientific aspect to it. Otherwise what will happen is you will end up with a line of broken people that you may not be able to fix. And there is also a deep sense of lack of self worth that can be connected to this. I have seen this in myself and finally have identified where it comes from as well.
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I've done just that for many year already and live with a constant threat of sinking into that deep depression that's always so close.. but I don't know another way to live. I feel guilty putting myself first, as though there's something very wrong with it. I've already felt on several occasions like somehow it was me infecting the people I love with depression.. since it only ever seems to get worse as time goes by while we're close.. I've thought to myself that it might be much better for them no matter how it might sting at first and how much it would destroy me.. if i left them..
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Ofcourse the first place you have to start is your physical health. Because if you have anything that you are dealing with that is physically wrong that can effect your emotional health. And then once you do that, then you can begin to address your psychological sense of well being.
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I'm not sure when exactly my physical problems can be addressed though.. (my next appointment is next friday) and I can't put my life and my friend's mental health on the line in the meantime..
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You are probably always going to have a sense of compassion for struggles in others.
But you have to make sure you are balanced yourself too. Now if you add into that the fact that you are physically designed to be a mother/nurturer, you just MAY have that be a strong motivation in your interactions as well. And as far as men go, this scientific approach, well, they are designed to do just that in many ways. They are fixers and doers in a different way and they can get very troubled when something is a miss like your friend is dealing with.
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I can't remember a time I was properly balanced to be honest.. I've always been a bit off emotion-wise, but I Want to be there for people.. perhaps it is that mothering/nurturing instinct but I want to be able to take those i care about's pains away. It bothers him even more knowing he cant help but respond in a more masculine way to things because of how his brain is wired too.. there's so much to do with his gender that pains him i don't know that there is a way for anyone to help him.. I've been utterly terrified he was going to kill himself on a number of occasions already..
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Now, I hate to say this at risk of you shutting down, but you ARE only just 18 years old. And this is not an age where ANYONE truely knows WHO they really are YET.
And the sexuality that comes into play, THAT IS NOT TRUELY ALL WELL KNOWN EITHER. And unfortunately we are designed to do one thing, REPRODUCE. And that becomes very apparent at some point and yet this love and relationship issue, that is something that is still a very big question mark.
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I know that over the course of my life I will continue to change, and at different parts of my life I will hold different thoughts and ideas on some things I hold certain thoughts to now, but I believe with my level of introversion and the self-reflection that I Constantly do.. that I know who I am
Now fairly well.
No, I don't know what 25 year old me is going to be like yet- I'm no soothsayer. I don't know what I'll be like at 30 or 40 or beyond.. but I think I understand myself well enough to know who I am. I'm not the kind of person who regrets things I choose so long as they don't hurt Others. The only time I feel regret for my actions is when I hurt another. Some of the things I've done in like have hurt me and crippled me in many ways.. but I'm not the person who goes and ruminates over 'what could I have done differently' and I never have been.. I think that so long as I can see someone else feeling happy or ok, that I can pretty much live with any choice I make. My dad went slack-jawed when I told him this.. but it was in middle school that I reached a point in my life where I didn't even Live for myself. I lived so that my death wouldn't hurt others who might have cared no matter how deeply I wished I could stop thinking and stop feeling completely.
I won't go into the complete details of my last relationship but it was long distance and 100% online.. and he pushed me to develop my sexual side.. to learn what I liked and didn't like even in more.. embarrassing areas of the whole thing. Though I'm sure I'll refine my tastes through Actual experience.. I do have at least an idea of what I want there as well.. I know that the actual experience is significantly different. For instance whenever I would touch my breasts on my own previously I felt next to nothing, but when he touched me it was different.. I think it's mainly because Knowing what I'm about to do/doing prevents me from focusing on the feeling of it until the very last second.. I know there's a Lot of room for change as my sexuality goes because I don't really have any physical experience here. But I do know general things.. such as my own turn-ons and offs.
Though I may seem young to say such, it's not uncommon to hear in girls much younger than me in this area.. I love. Love.. the idea of being a mother.. of holding a child inside me and raising and loving and holding him or her and doing everything I can to make sure.. that their life is happy and fulfilling, no matter what they choose to do.. but I know that before I'm financially secure is an utterly inappropriate time to intentionally conceive or take actions to conceive any child (though were it to happen I would do nothing less than accept the child whole-heartedly) What I mean to say through this is that while I realize the primary function of any being capable of reproduction Is to reproduce by nature, and while the idea of nurturing a child bring a warm smile to my face, that I have no intention of engaging in reproductive activity of my own will anytime terribly soon.
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This forum, is such a busy forum SilentEmpath, why do you think that is? Hmmm, must be a challenge for many people hmmm. And IT "IS" A CHALLENGE. And that comes from a lot of different messages that many of us get or do not get from our parents. The one thing that is a MUST is KNOW THY SELF FIRST AND FOREMOST.
And that takes time and often even many years. But we all have this thing we call self esteem too and often we have holes in that that we tend to think SOME ONE ELSE CAN FIX or FILL or maybe we are NO WORTHY AT ALL. And sometimes we can pick those that have LOW SELF ESTEEM thinking they are SAFER for us somehow. Oh we can make so many mistakes in choosing a mate. We can even pick someone who seems strong and outgoing, oh wasn't dad that way and we do know that, ok pick him. But what can happen is what one doesn't see is the narcisist that is hidden in that that spells out THIS IS GOING TO BE A HELL RIDE.
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I can understand why many people may have a trouble with this, and why many more may simply hold that deathly curiosity so common in human nature. Of course a situation like this isn't something that's utterly strait-forward with all the deep rooted emotions and complications involved.. yes, a situation like this can easily be viewed as a challenge. Knowing yourself is, of course, fundamental for dealing with your own emotions and challenges. Yes, I may develop a more complete understanding of myself with time and yes who I am may even change over time, but I still believe that I know enough about myself to make choices that I can live with in the meantime. In fact, it may be through these decisions that I come to learn more about myself and if I prevent myself from having the experiences, how then would I grow to better understand myself? I don't assume that there's anything anyone else can 'fix' about me, I know that we are the only people in our lives who ultimately make the decisions we do, so only I can 'fix' myself, and while I don't consider myself Truly broken, I also don't consider myself of any true importance (though this from deep thinking on the world, the universe and more..). I don't specifically go after people with low self-esteem, but having low self-esteem myself makes it easier to relate to those people. A narcissistic relationship can be an utter hell-ride.. I'll agree there in a heartbeat.
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Knowing one's self is important and also knowing that WE CANNOT FILL THE HOLES OF OTHERS. It is always up to OTHERS to learn to do that for themselves. Love?, love a broken person? That can be a kind of hell ride too. Why?, because if you cannot truely FIX that person, YOU WILL BE BLAMED for it.
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I know ultimately only he can help himself, but I want to be able to be there for him while he figures out how to do that.. Loving a broken person is a hell-ride. and Rather then being blamed, I'd think I just blame myself out of habit.
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Oh, I spent many years waiting for my husband to fix himself. Oh I thought I married someone who could be my friend, I truely didn't see how he was broken. I had to find out the hard way, and it WAS HARD. And years of that is also wrapped up in the package I have called PTSD as well.
Love?, that is not about FIXING people when it comes to relationships. Though we all have our holes because no parents are perfect, we have to build relationships on making an allowance for each partner to continue to grow and it can't be about spending a lifetime fixing each other. It has to be about grow up all your life and respecting your partner to do the same.
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You're right, love's not about 'fixing' a person, but It is about supporting a person and helping a person in all that you can do.
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Can I see what the dilemma is here? Yes, but I don't see you having the capacity to fix it to be honest. You just don't have the life experiences yet to do that. This young man is going to have to find his way to allowing himself to find the right kind of professional help. Yes, I hear you he is so afraid of that too. But he truely cannot ask you to be his science experiment. You have a very kind giving heart, but you are not a guinea pig. You deserve to have a healthy growing experience as well.
Open Eyes
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Being utterly honest with myself I don't think I would take the steps necessary to change this situation either, but I am going to Try to set down a line the next time we meet.