I actually already sent what's below. And I even feel stupid for sending it to her. And she's even seeing me again in a few hours. I don't know...I'm just having a hard time and I feel like I need to get rid of this, so I guess I'm posting it here to try to do that...

Dear T--

I'm sorry to be writing to you this way. It just feels like texting or calling is too intrusive, but things feel really painful right now, and I feel like I need to tell you before it's too much.

I feel like the way I feel, especially as far as missing you, really isn't supposed to be as painful and awful as it is. It doesn't feel right at all. I feel like maybe I haven't been able to explain it well enough or something, and it all feels completely impossible, though I'm really not sure what else to say to explain it better.

I feel like what you've been saying about me missing you or feeling like I need you or whatever is something along the lines of "Suck it up...you'll get used to it." And that's probably true, but right now I don't feel like I can suck it up and just be OK missing you or wanting you to be someone else. It's excruciating beyond my capability to manage, and I feel like I need you to tell me to go away so it all feels better and so I can stop missing you or wanting you to be someone else or whatever. I think I need you to be blunt in a way you haven't been yet, or at least that I haven't been able to hear. I feel miserable, and I can't stop hoping you can help me not feel miserable. But I need to stop hoping, at least in the way I have been so far. I really feel like this is a form of suffering that needs to end as immediately as possible.

I'm sorry I'm not doing this right and that I haven't figured it out on my own yet, but can you please help? I feel stupid about it all, and it seems like I can't get to the right place about any of it on my own. I'm sorry.

--2or3