Hi Claritytoo,

You ask some good questions and have some good thoughts about your situation. As a person who is not DID, but has a very dear close friend who is DID, I may be able to help you with a vision from the outside of the box. At least I hope I can and I hope I'm not overstepping my bounds with my response to you.

There are so many factors involved with figuring out who you are, why you are and how to come to terms with your situation and finally working on the trauma that caused you to be DID in the first place. I think, most importantly for you is to take whatever time you need to work on these things. It is not an easy road to hoe. There are many ups and downs along the way. Each step you take is a precurser to the next step that needs to be taken.

Please remember that what I say is strictly taken from the experiences I've had with my friend and things I have read over the years. Each person is different in so many ways yet at the same time, there are often many similarities as well.

You are beginning your journey into an unknown territory. There are a lot of things that will have to be dealt with along the way. Your system (alters) were created to help you survive the abuse you encountered. Because you were abused in such a way, trust and safety are huge things that must be learned. It must be learned by you, your alters, for T and any other close friends or family that are there to help you along your journey.

My friend has come a long way in learning to trust her system and for her system to learn how to trust her. Learning to trust her alters has made it much easier for her to allow them "their" time to talk, to give her memories when she is ready for them, and for them to learn that there is healing to be found.

I'm curious if your T is well versed in DID therapy or even trauma therapy. If not, you may want to ask her/him to do some reading up on those therapies because they will certainly be helpful to the both of you. Sometimes T's will push a bit if they feel you are "stuck" in something. It's not always a bad thing if they push necessarily, but it can "feel" like they are putting time limits on you. I truly hope that your T is not putting time limits on you. I don't feel that would be fair to you or your system as everyone works at different speeds.

I think, one thing that would be very helpful to you is to journal your thoughts and feelings. That would go for you and for your alters. My friend has different journal books for her system so that they can feel safe to say what they need to say. She often will take her writings in to here T to read. You may find that easier to do than to speak out loud.

I just want to say that it sounds like you are on your way to discovering many different things about yourself and the journey will take the time that it needs to get there. Please be easy on yourself and those inside as best you can. They are still trying to protect you as they did when you were a child. That was their job. Down the road you may be able to give them different jobs to do so that you all can progress in life to a more stable and functional place.

I wish you and yours well. Please take good care of yourself(yourselves).