((((tomboy))))

Sorry you are going through so much. I know that it is hard and I can relate to how you are feeling. When I was 15 I wanted out and I would SI just to have something to concentrate on rather than what was taking place at home. Trying to hide it so that no one would know was so hard and if I was not afraid to get into trouble I would not have cared, but the trouble I would face was worse than the SI. I did not want anyone to know for it was something for me to be able to escape during the long nights of interrogation and abuse I wanted to escape, I did not want anyone to know what I was doing to get through those long nights.

I had to grow up way to fast and never got to be a child. Even though I did not know how to be that adult I had no other choice. I never learned things that as a child we learn as we are developing, and as an adult I am now still lost and trying to learn those things now for the first time. I felt trapped with no escape for in truth there was no escape. I knew that my parents would never have let me go to the hospital, never. And I was scared of life and everything around me. The only thing that kept me going was sports. It was my only escape.

Finally I told someone that I wanted out and this person went with me to the school counselor, who brought in a Social Worker that for the last two years (really it started at the end of my Sophomore year) I talked to twice a week. We talked in the boiler room so that my parents would not know or find us as they would have never allowed it. I was so afraid to talk about anything specific but I would talk around it enough so that she knew something was not right. It got me through High School and then I moved away. I will not tell you it got better or easier but I was able to know someone was there.

It is not easy even as an adult now for me but I now have the ability to decide to talk or not. I have the choices I never had before and I am learning for the first time things I never learned growing up. Have you tried to talk to your school counselor or someone you trust? If talking to your parents is too hard and you feel unheard maybe that is something you could do. I am not saying not to talk to your parents but just giving you another option if you feel you could.

What you feel is important and what you have to say is important. You deserve to reach out and to get the help you need. I did not know that back then and did not know that I was important or even had a right to ask for help. I just knew I had to watch everything I said and did so that no one knew. Hiding it is so hard and those feelings you have will only grow in secret. You do not deserve to be hurt and I see that you are hurting through your words. My heart really goes out to you.

I know that feeling of no hope and that feeling no one can help. I still struggle with hope more than I like to admit. At times I can hold onto it but there are time that it feels there is no hope and that hope will never be for me. But the times that I can see hope and hold onto it for even minutes at a time it gives me strength to keep going. Sometimes others hold that hope for me until I can get it back. I am in one of those dark times now and hope feel so far away, but I know that it is there somewhere and it will come back if I just hold on and keep pushing forward. And I know that is easier said than done.

I don't know if anything I said helps, I just wanted to reach out and let you know that you are not alone and there are many here that understand what you are feeling and going through even though our situations may be different that feeling of fear and hopelessness is the same. I do hope that you will keep reaching out and talking. Keep holding on and we will hold that hope for you until you can hold it yourself. You are worth hearing, you are important and what you feel is important. We do care and we are listening.

Sending you gentle hugs and loving thoughts if okay. Always.

dps