this whole thing is just frustrating and maddening to you, isn't it, stopdog? the fact that you appear to want (or to have) connection and even attachment or to feel the need and act on it, too, really yanks your chain!

I like what theBunny said about your fantasy ..... maybe there is some part of you you'd like to be able to dynamite out of existence so you could walk away and be free, and be you without being burdened either by your own expectations/needs or by thoughts of what those expectations/needs should or shouldn't be according to what fits into so-called normal parameters ..... just what part it is that you actually want to destroy, I wonder. The part that wants connection/attachment, so you didn't have to have it or all that goes with it; or the part that fights it, so you could actually be able to be free to have and to enjoy connection/attachment ...