Quote:
Originally Posted by Rose76
I've dropped by this forum from time to time, but thought that it really didn't apply to me. I think I left a bit of advice and felt glad that, though I have severe issues, I never really hated myself.
Currently, I feel awful bad about who and what I am. Since last night, I have been thinking about this forum and feeling rather like I belong here. I feel like I am a complete disgrace. And I can't stand it. It is taking over, and I really can't stand it. Now I think I know why there is so much pain expressed here.
I thought I was mostly, and mainly, upset with how life is and how I got some bad breaks that I didn't blame myself for. All that was real depressing and cost me plenty of tears.
Well, now I am blaming me and I'm not good at taking blame. I'm doing nothing to help myself - for days, now! (Probably for months, if I think about it hard enough.) I feel like I've already lost the respect of people involved in my care, like my pdoc, who told me to consider maybe just not going to see him anymore.
I'm a mess - literally. I look a mess. My place is a mess. I've neglected things I'm responsible for, and that hasn't been all that much, lately. I feel like - Who could possibly look my situation over and not lose respect for me? I have lost respect for myself. I feel like all I deserve from anyone who could really see what I'm doing with my life is total disgust. Disgust. It feels awful. I tell myself to do something about how I am, and then I continue doing nothing, and I guess I'm at the point where I loath myself.
Nothing bad that ever happened to me makes me feel as sorrowful as what I've let myself deteriorate into. That's what seems so bad. I see that it is my fault. I am just letting it happen.
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I need to respond to this as I really was touched by this.
I feel that the above statements (which seem to tell my own story right now) have brought me to a very low point right now.
I too feel like all I deserve is disgust, as I don't feel that I have made enough progress over the past year. I can validate that I have made some progress in my recovery that I am at least aware of how I talk to myself and how I behave and how I think.
But behaviorally, I feel that I am still social phobic and have a long way to go.
I still feel like a ball of anger and have "hair-trigger temper" that makes people afraid of me and make people turn around and glare at me.
I hate that.
I am trying to get after my behavior and not myself, but it is still very easy to call myself a bad person or someone who still will not adapt.
I still am extremely afraid of being looked upon as a terrible person.
And I had to honestly answer the poll as "always hating myself".
Thanks for this Rose.
Your post validated how I am feeling and what I need to work on.
Billi