I think it's time to start looking for a new T. I don't think the one I've been seeing the last 2 or 3 years is really helping me much. I like her, she's a nice lady, she's easy to talk to, but I never leave feeling like I got any real insight into my feelings or actions, and I don't feel like I'm learning how to cope with my disease any better. Our sessions always seem to be me talking about what happened since the last session, then she says "Wow, that must be hard. I hope you feel better. See you next month." Just doesn't seem very helpful.

A number of you have commented regarding my current situation that I need to get some serious therapy to get myself figured out and deal with my own core issues before I can even try to start to rebuild a badly damaged marriage. Having me try to work on it while I'm still badly damaged myself just isn't going to be successful. I want to find a T that will listen to what I say and how I feel and then say "Hey dumb***, haven't you figured out that A is connected to B? Why the **** aren't you doing XYZ to work on it?" I don't need warm and fuzzy. I know no T is going to solve my problems for me, but I want one to show me what tools to use and point me in the right direction.

So how do I find one? I can't just put an ad in the paper and conduct open interviews. I'll be limited to the ones covered in network by my insurance. I can ask around, but I doubt the staff at the hospital would be allowed to make a recommendation, and the closest practice to the hospital is the one I'm already at. Someone in one of the support groups I attend might have a good one to recommend, but that's pretty iffy. I can go down the list of who my insurance covers and start calling the offices, but they're all going to say they're good. Can anyone suggest specific questions to ask that might help narrow down the field?

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In related news, my soap opera keeps getting crazier. Found out today that my lover's boyfriend, the one she left me to stay with, has been calling and texting my wife "just to see how she's doing", but oh, by the way, has your husband been in contact with my girlfriend? (I haven't). Before she was forced to choose between me and him, my lover showed me a three page long list of reasons he wrote her why she should come back to him. She told me at the time she didn't believe he was sincere, but it was three pages of promises of how he would change, how he would treat her better (after years of verbal and emotional abuse), things he would buy her (like I said, he's rich), and places he would take her. She pointed out to me that out of all those reasons, "I love you" was nowhere on the list. Apparently it worked eventually, because when the time came for her to make the tough decision, money won out over love. But even though she's back, he's still checking up on her and she doesn't know it. Sounds kind of suspicious, jealous, and possessive to me. Someone seems a little insecure. Seems to me if you can't keep your girlfriend without bribing her on one hand and spying on her on the other, you don't deserve to have her. Just my biased perspective as a jilted ex-lover.

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Went back to my real house for lunch with my wife today (when she told me about the calls from the boyfriend). I read over the final draft of the legal separation agreement we have hammered out, and I approved the last of the changes so we should be ready to go. We go to court in two days, so it should get signed then.

Talked to my wife this afternoon about the reconciliation, just asking for her wild guess opinion on when we might be ready for what to see if we are anywhere close to on the same page. We're guessing somewhere around six months before we will be ready to start marriage counseling together, but possibly as soon as two months depending on how good a T I find and how much progress I make. She wants to have something close to a final answer one way or the other before my apartment lease is up in January. That's a big help to me, because that finally gives me some kind of idea of what goal I'm working toward.