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Been doing a lot of thinking and talking lately.
And today, in a class, I asked a question about who of us would get out there to risk our lifes for the ideals we are spewing....
hmmm.... I dwelled in ivory tower way too long for my own good. That year when I wanted to get job and started building a real career and be awesome... the less is said about it the better.
I blamed it on crisis, but maybe I should try harder to find a job, be more persuative and advertise myself better.
I am glad I went back to school, but now I am at the same point.... getting into real life. I tried before and failed miserably.
what if I will not succeed?
I was looking at volunteer position in Georgia, but deep inside I know that I would be using that as "awful place, with slight chances of turning messy, far far faaaaaaaaar away". Escapism. As much as I care about teaching Easties English... I know what my main motivation here would be.
I am afraid to send CV and cover letters to big *** organizations, for fear they'd turned me down (I was turned down by Amnesty International. I was told "you are very white" and got tangled in debating Bosnia. I would know better next time around, but still. It hurt). But that is what I want to do.
Never been in real relationship, because I "want to settle down first", but I don't want to settle down, because I "need to find myself first" and "see the world". I have hard time finding myself.
Sometimes I say I am too depressed, too anxious to.......... I need time. But how much time shall I ask for?
I wanted to be further on in my life. I regret all the things I didn't do. That I didn't try harder at times. I shoulda fought more at times.
How do I force myself to live fully? At the moment I am obsessing over my thesis and as much as it is important to me, I know it is just a formality and won't change a thing. I shouldn't take it SOOOO seriously. And I am afraid that once I finish I will come up with next obsession..........
I wanna start living the moment I graduate.... but I kinda feel I don't know how. All what I did till now seems fake, substitute for something, a cover up.
How does one do the living thing, when they have issues and problems and scars on soul and baggage to carry around?
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Glory to heroes!
HATEFREE CULTURE
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