I wish I could say something magical that would help. I am fairly new to the site, too, so I don't know a lot of background and for that I really apologize because my post is coming out of left field. You don't know me. I live in L.A. and you live in S.A. We may not suffer and struggle and claw our way out from identical Dx's, but I can relate so much to what you wrote. 110%. I felt compelled to write.

I am thousands and thousands of miles away. And I am another person here that cares. You do matter. A whole lot. There was a reason you were put on this earth, and it's important that you fulfill that destiny I don't mean to sound trite, either. You CAN handle anything that comes your way (step by step, inch by inch, second by second).

I know this because I made it. I made it through the darkest time and so can you.
I have been where you are. Had I known about the site, then, I probably would have posted the same exact words literally to the t.

I have been at the depths of despair and feeling so discouraged, I was literally a walking Xanax (the pain was so unbearable that all I could do was mask it). I did not have the resources to check myself into a hospital. Nor was I conscious enough to know that I needed to talk to someone other than my Pdoc, because I felt I didn't want to burden anyone with me. So I retreated to the house.

I had an exit plan, as well.

I did not work for 2 and 1/2 years. I could not find a job in my industry to save my life. I was grieving the loss of my fiance to cancer. So not only did I lose my best friend, I lost what I thought would be our entire future (you know until we were old and grey and still laughing at the dumbest jokes that only we thought were hilarious).

I was feeling so insignificant that I knew the world would definitely be a better place without me...I felt as if I was just taking up space, air. Even the smallest carbon footprint from me was too much. I mean really: I wasn't working (being productive, giving back in some way, garnering an income), I wasn't in a relationship anymore (my "better half" was gone to the grave), I isolated so much I hardly had contact with any of my family (so I was a social pariah) AND my only "friend" left that I could face - in the city in which I live - passed away suddenly (she was only in her late 40s). WTH.

But I had a contract. I had a safety contract in the least likely of places: with my cat. The promise I made to this ridiculous cat, who I rescued him FROM MY OWN FAMILY, is what kept me alive.

I mean it. It's probably the stupidest thing you've ever heard but I mean it. And for as miserable as I was, he was even worse than me (nobody wanted him and he was never socialized so he was one po'd kitty when he came home with me).

But I could not bear to know that if I died, he would probably die, as well, because there would be nobody to love him and protect him. My own family neglected him, and I had to rescue him FROM THEM. I didn't trust them. If I wasn't there to protect him, they would put him down. Or someone else would because quite honestly he was IMPOSSIBLE. And his death would be my fault.

And that's what kept me going.

No one can understand what that little sucker means to me. In fact, they all can't stand him. But guess what, we have each other. We had a contract, a pact. We saved each other.

And a job came along ... yes! after 2 and 1/2 freekin' years!

And now, beyond anything I could have ever imagined, I am working full time and I am around people again. Every day. The days aren't perfect. They are awful. I am rarely happy and smiling still hurts, but I am also working with my T and taking it step by step, inch by inch, second by second.

So please, stay with us. Keep posting. You are not alone. Things can get better...keep that little teeny glimmer of hope. Keep a pact with us.