It makes perfect sense to me that you are angry and on edge. You tried something new and different. It feels awful. All your defenses are challenged.

It's especially maddening that you know you are just setting yourself up here. Well, at least it feels that way.

I think we all have fantasies where we are just gone. I think it's more normal than you think, as is this anger you are experiencing now.

Try to sit with it for awhile and see how you feel about it a few days or weeks. Might turn out not to be so bad.