So today my pdoc kept talking to me, he went on and on, asking me all sorts of questions, going over all my history and talking about stuff, that was actually triggering and I was so confused, because I've been with this Pdoc for ages. Until finally 45 minutes into the session he said something and it caused me to switch. It made me switch to someone who is very educated and blunt and can quite easily become a little aggressive even, if you let her.

Last time the pdoc saw me I was also not myself. I remember the meeting sitting in the passengers seat, I remember he was complete quiet as he watched me interact with my team. I turned to him and said "Who the ***** is this guy and why is he so silent". I also pointed to two of my caseworkers and told them to "let them go, look at them, they're bored". My old therapist was so shocked by my behavior that he asked me "are you messing with us?" I of course answered "***** yes I am". I was not messing with anybody. I'm actually a little offended he asked me that, although it appeared that part was not.

I have seen myself act like that before, but never in front of them.

So fastforward to today and pdoc is sitting here talking to me forever about all this triggering stuff and then I make a switch and even though I was in this fog, the switching fog, I could tell that was his objective. So this blunt part asks him "Did you just do that on purpose"? "What?" "MAKE ME SWITCH BY TALKING ABOUT BAD STUFF!?" "I'm just trying to understand what you go through". "That wasn't right!" "Can you bring Lydia back?" "No I can't, she's gone, you scared her off".

So his idea was to see me switch? He could have just waited. I feel so deceived. I was like giving out information. Because he's my pdoc. Because I trust him, and he used that information to create a switch in me. Not okay.

I was really glad that I switched to somebody who told him off though. He then refused to make a medication change at the end, because I wouldn't switch back. I told him "I can't just switch, I don't know how".

Is that even possible??? I can't manipulate my system like that, at least not yet. He said since Lydia had no power over what medication change was going on, that he didn't want to do it. I told him she was fine with it. He wouldn't listen. I tried to explain to him, that I, Lydia and another part share the body the most, and that only 25% of the time is he actually talking to Lydia, although he may not know it and we make joint decisions all the time. But he wouldn't listen. He said he wanted to speak to her. I told him. "You never spoke to her to begin with". Meaning she wasn't there the entire appt. He thought Lydia gave all the background, etc. But she didn't. I did. So then he got upset and said we needed more therapy.

But were functional like this? I told him we're all safe parts who are responsibile and unharmful. He didn't take it very well. So now he thinks this whole system we have running is screwed up, but it's the only thing we have that's kept us from being screwed up.

Sorry I'm just venting...