Feeling like tossing in the towel right now and ruining my 20 month streak without cutting. Overpowering urge to cut right now. Or stick myself with needles, something, anything harmful. Caved in on sobriety this past weekend, made it three weeks. Ugh, how inadequate I feel right now. I've failed yet again on maintaining sobriety.

14 years of addiction to self-injury, 8 years of addiction to drugs and no matter how long I go without SI or intoxication, I always seem to relapse sooner or later. I find myself withholding food to feel hunger lately also. If it's not one thing, it's another. I always have some sort of bad habit. Picking at my callouses, tearing the skin off around my nails, biting my lips/tongue/cheeks, scratching myself raw, poking myself with pencils, cutting my nails too short, pulling my hair out, shoving needles through my skin, it goes on and on. Anything to escape from my emotional state, at least for a little while. I find it extremely difficult to face my problems head on. I don't handle stress well. I have so many negative coping mechanisms and I've tried learning positive ones, but I always return to the negative side. The comfort of familiarity, I guess.

But right now, I really just want to grab a knife or piercing needle and drag it across my skin, watch it split, the blood come seeping out. I am in such a terrible mindset right now, so stressed out. Seeing my therapist in the morning, but uggggh, I really don't want to tell her I've broken sobriety so soon what would be worse is breaking an even longer streak without cutting, I have to remind myself of that. But that just makes me want to hurt myself in other ways, less bloody ways. I don't know what to do right now