Hey dear rapunzel,
Thank you for the kind words. I definately have to agree with you on many points, even though on some levels I of course don't want to .

My Pdoc finally called me back about 10 that night. Didn't have the nerve to ask him why if took so long, but he was very nice about it and soundd genuinely concerned about me. When I talked to my therapist I didnt know what was going to go down that night. Things tend to progress from bad to worse VERY fast with me. When I talked to her on Friday we definately adressed how they trigger me, since I am so needy and easily feel shunned upon talking to them, which leads me to hurt myself, often in extreme ways. As silly as if sounds, I know I do react to them badly many times, and logically I understand them pulling back, but it still hurts emotionally since I put so much on them.

You are exactly right about how this testing of them doesnt help, its just that sometimes it makes so much sense and I can't seem to cope any other way (something which I am trying to work on in the DBT I have been in about 3 weeks now). And as much as I deny it, i know that i am at the point where only I can help myself. Its just so hard to accept and act on this But I am trying to the best of my ability, even though thats not very much right now. Thank you so much for caring darling

-Kelly