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I have been unemployed for a while but can’t even find work. Let alone if I ever did I don’t think I would be capable of it at this time.
Firstly I just can’t cope with the thought of having to carry out simple task. I will always think I am no good and going to mess this up. Therefore I annoy/ anger other staff members. I will then cause them to have to work harder to make up for my mistakes. I don’t deserve that job. Like anyone would employ me for long, if they ever employ me in first place.
I know the situation is the same for most. So that makes me feel even worse because I feel like I am wasting not just the employers time but other peoples time also looking by applying to places. But I still feel just as bad for getting myself in this situation in first place and not being able to get out of it.
I feel bad about that I let stupid thoughts drag me down and that’s all that is the cause of my problems, just what I think. I can’t help who I am as a person.
I can’t help a certain thing happen that could have severely damage me but I walked away scot free, so to speak. I can’t help I feel bad because I should know better and not got myself in this situation. I should be more appreciative but I am not, I just throw my life away. But I feel bad for being there like I will upset or anger people by working. Who have to deal with a lot worse than me but I just can’t care and a stupid air head. I let it get to me and make me feel bad like a guilt trip. I can’t be supportive because I just upset people and I don’t know how to comfort them. I just break down when so many other people around me keep it together. Then that reflects onto me because I am just the attention seeking in their eyes. For some reason apparently I could cope but they still would moan when I got it wrong all because I couldn’t. Yet if I was to say I couldn’t I was told to just shut up, not this again.
I can’t get over that you are expected to sell what that company offers. I will never get product knowledge or feel comfortable trying to sell either in person or over phone. I don’t like affecting people personally and that’s what most jobs are about. I don’t feel comfortable or able to have a job involving this. Even if it’s just one customer asking a simple question about an item on the shelf. I just can’t react as expected or able to tell them what they want to know.
I thought about packing jobs but I made it one day boxing things up for a company. I couldn’t do that right because I felt too much pressure about, people might have brought that for present, if it’s not done right people will not want to order from this company again, you will need to work faster and expected to. I will then annoy and slow down other workers. I couldn’t even use to stupid tape thing right. I felt so awkward and nervous and ashamed at how bad I was I quit after one day.
I even thought about waitressing but again I don’t want to work around food, hygiene thing, but not just that what about if someone allergic to something and asks questions, what about if I knock, spill things, I wouldn’t be able to take orders properly. I am not the most nice looking person no one would want me to serve them and I don’t blame them.
It wouldn’t make any difference if I learnt a trade and went back to college I would still react the same. Even in a job role I gain some knowledge for, it would never change this as I would still be the same have the same thoughts but worry on different level if that makes sense.
I thought about admin but again college thing is the only way to get into that. It wouldn’t be worth it because I know what I am like. It would only help me hide away from this for however how many years that course is and feed into this. To then only find that once they put you in work placement I would crumble back down to this all over again.
I have thought of a lot more things but again anxiety or what ever this is kicks in. It’s the truth I am not a capable person of dealing with too many people and important tasks. Even if I apply for the simplest of jobs I still get knocked back because they want experience or they smell a rat in that what’s the reason you would want this job. Then I feel like someone who has something to hide and judge in a bad way because I can’t explain this to people or they wouldn’t get it.
I think it’s mostly that fact that this has to come from me and I can’t cope or ever feel I would be of some worth. I don’t feel I ever will be able to be clam myself down and not let my emotions show through so plainly. I don’t like taking responsibility or being in control of things. I use to get so scared if I was the only one on shop floor even though someone was just out the back or in the office not so far away. I hated those moments left with customers. People did steal a lot. I was a nervous wreck who then got so frustrated because other staff just left me when they knew I got scared. I don’t like the thought of effecting things, even in good way, like job sense. I would rather just work with stock or cleaning in the sense minimal effect on others. Not too much worry, pressure associated. If there ever was a job not related to dealing with other humans that would be my dream. I am not so good with thought or working with animals, I see them in same sense as humans.
I just want a simple job that I would be capable of and not cause any trouble and able to offer service to other staff / customers. There has to be something for me that meant I could just earn enough to rent a place and pay bills and happy in the sense I could just do that.
I just don’t know where to begin to sort this out or get over this. However stupid it may seem to others. I have tried to write this out in an explanation way so many times but I can’t quite get it all out as it is. This is my biggest problem for me personally and what I have to over come to have any sort of life. Sorry for how horrible I really am and not a good portray of a person.
I am having CBT and working on the basic which does help slowly improve on some things, But this is all of my thoughts that I have had for years and strengthen by how I got myself in this situation now, They will take a long time to change and work on but this is what I am up against and stopping me from being able to get a job. However silly thses thoughts are they are hard for me to take personally. I also was a weak person to begin with.
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