dex:

Rapunzel was definately right when talking about testing people, and I have talked to my therapist about this. I suppose it's a step at least openly acknowledging it maybe. I know that I am the only person who can help me at the end of the day, and I'm trying to make myself act on and believe this.
My pdoc did finally call me late after I posted, I didnt ask why he waited so long though. I dont think he really knows how much I put on him and my therapist, and I am sure you are right about my emotions probably warping the situation. I am not sure what exactly was said, I was only told he was going to call and check up on me the following morning. I think it is probably a false impression like you said, I just find myself trying to turn the world against me constantly, and since my doctors are so 'involved' in my life, I really let any action they do turn into something it is not. I know I am in no position to change doctors at the moment, and I think I really need to just change how I interpret their actions and realize that it's ok that I am not the center of their universe.

I want to prove that I care about myself, but everyone is so mad at me right now that its only making me feel worse about myself. I'm trying to steer clear of them and stay safe so that I do not dissapoint further. I do feel worse now, but I know now that it is imperative for me to at least stay alive for the time being, which is a step for me. I really do hope things get better now, I'm just waiting I guess.

Anyways, thank you for not hating me for babbling so much. It really does help to have people like you & rapunzel & mary alice to listen
I appreciate it more than you all could ever know

<3 Kelly