Ok I don't know where else to go, I'm a 33 yr old married guy with 2 kids... lately I feel like I'm doing my whole family more harm being around. It's complicated but no one understands, it's not that I'm suicidal like I'm going to kill myself but sometimes I just spend days going through so much inside of me I like picture or think of killing myself or being killed, sometimes I just think of stepping up to some huge guy or guys just to get a physical scrap just to be hurt, I get angry, extremely sad... sometimes just to myself but every now and then i can't help it and i lash out to those around me, my kids, my wife, my family, friends, coworkers you name it sometimes I'll start talking to a complete stranger about wishing something would happen to me... I've been taking 2 100mg Zoloft everyday and 2-4 1mg xanex a day just to cope and get by... or at least i did before i lost my insurance (and job because i lost it and flipped out on two IT coworkers when they were wrong) and since then it's been like a whole new hell, so yeah lets add more, i smoke bud, but I'm not like your typical pothead that's all duhhh and whatnot, it affects me completely different then most and those that know me even say the same thing even though they don't smoke or even approve of it they approve it in me because it is the only time I'm able to have a 15min conversation without losing it as soon as i get a reason to be defensive... I try like hell to just keep it all in but everyone knows when I'm about to explode and I'm not like that typical *** that's just mean all the time, when I'm on xanex or smoked some I'm loved by everyone and that's a nice feeling just sucks i need something for people to want me around, but I can't be high all the time and when i had insurance up until 3 months ago I got 60 1mg xanex a month with 3 refills but 2-4 a day once I'm out i smoke till i can refill... My wife is in tears on her knees begging to help me, but there is nothing she can do, when i try and explain to her how i feel she takes it all EXTREMELY personal and we always end up arguing... bad anxiety and sever depression is what the DR usually say i am but I've never been diagnosis as Bi-polar when easily 20 or more people that know me well say that's what i am. so ahhhh i found a dr. i can afford to go see and i will be on mon or Tues of next week, tonight has been a really bad night, and these past two weeks I'm lucky if i sleep 3 hours a night and most the time I'm up all night till 7-10 the next morning before i pass out, this guy barely bumped into me in a gas station tonight and RAGE just lit through me I wanted to throw him threw the front window if it wasn't for my 9yr old little boy with me theres no telling what i would of done, and I'm no little guy 5'11" 275lbs so i can handle myself and with anger and rage I'm like three times that size. I'm going to lose my family or my life if i don't figure out what to do,

I know a lot of you feel what I'm saying but I need advice, suggestions, or answers... do i try and get the Dr to diagnosis me as bi-polar and if so what meds do i switch to instead of 200mg of Zoloft a day and 2-4 mg of xanex, but like that barely gets me by so if i change them they have to be stronger. I saw 2 different pdocs and both were like why are they giving you addictive medication, we should try a diet change and support meetings and the other 1 wanted me on one or the other or just one of something else. i mentioned to a few different Dr's when i still lived in MD about trying the whole medical marijuana since it REALLY affects me better than the other legal drugs i take and they just laughed at me which kinda hurt my feelings, Klonopin works ok on me but wheres off in 2-3 hours and it feels like i took it as a recreational drug, Lexapro intensifies my depression so bad i want to jump out a window so no more of that. i don't drink well maybe once or twice a year so no issue there and this is all like the top level stuff there is so much more deeper, without going into a lot of detail i get into these sexual self destruction phases every few months where I need to feel self submission just to lose myself outside of my reality life... hard to explain so i won't start here, but if you know then you know what i mean

honestly i know a few of you already labeled me as pill popper or druggie or something, but you just don't know and my wife and sister and a straight and sober as any, like they might have an Advil or two a month but that's it for them and well everyone who knows me wants me on something, broke my heart but i never told her this past St Patrick's day the whole family came to get together for a dinner party and my own mother called and said"you are taking a xanex or two before you come down right" yeah i know that's like a month ago but it's still ripping me apart, every time the wind blows i just want to explode in tears but i tough it up and go through another day of my own hell... i just want it all to end, nobody knows the mental/emotion pain I'm in and i just can't take it much longer.... I'm used to it good or bad I've heard it all so please let me know what you all think, my account here is authorized to email me too if you have personal comments for me please feel free

and thank you for anyone who took the time to read all that, I'm just holding on by threads and honestly I'm scared and none of them around me knows that....

Derek