Derek,

Welcome to PC. I understand and I hope you find what you need here. First, I'm no doctor so I cant give you a definite diagnosis but if you are bipolar and it sounds like you are than yes as bipolar we tend to self medicate. I did the same thing for many years. It was the only way I could keep myself sane long enough to take part in my life.Some will say thats just an excuse to use. Well it may be for them but for my case I just needed some normalcy whatever that was. I needed to be able to function for everyone else and I did so very well on the pills. If I didn't have the pills I didn't leave my house. It was that simple. Without them I could not function because I was sick. Chemical Dependency. What you need to know is if you really want it you can get off the wrong medications and on the right ones. You need patience. It takes time for the every other thought of Xanax and weed to go away. Xanax the worst of the two when you break it down. At least in my case. I have been clean for a year next week. The 27 of April is my day. April 27th of last year the worst day of my life. Rock bottom, in jail, panic attacks with no medication. Hyperventilating on the floor in tears and puke. It was awful. Dont let it get that bad.

You can rise above, just knowing that it has been done and you are capable of conquering this yourself. Take it one day at a time like they say, hell take it one minute at a time because honestly sometimes that one minute is the biggest accomplishment. You can and will if you give it everything you got. No second thoughts. Change your people places and things. All things addicts say to do. You may not be an addict but your brain is dependent on Xanax and marijuana. That you cant deny. It is a side effect or what have you of your disease if you get the diagnoses though. Self medication. Research and help yourself. You can do it and people here can support you when your down or have a success no matter how small. **** I almost had a party for myself just for getting out of bed one day. Believe in yourself and do it for you. Then you can take care of everyone else.