Here we go again. I really should know better than developing a bad attitude about her, because I always pay for it. It apparently is not okay to ask someone to watch my kids, especially for an extended period of time. Maybe she's right (as usual) and I do ask too much. Maybe all of you would get tired of me too IRL.

Can I tell you the current situation? It might get long.

There are these workshops that I've looked forward to for quite a while. Last year I went to just one, and hoped I could do more this year. When the catalog came a few months ago, I picked out the ones that would be relevant to my job (stuff about young children, and parents, and attachment). Since my graduate program doesn't have any classes particularly about children, and I want to work with children (at least some of the time), I'm grabbing at the opportunity to fill the gaps. There were other workshops that I also really wanted, including one on DBT, and one on self-injury, but I limited myself to just the three that were applicable to work and that my employer would pay for.

Then I found out that my husband was going out of town for work also, the same week as my workshops. But he said we could work it out and I shouldn't let that stop me. We have three kids, ages 8, 12, and 14. Not quite old enough to leave alone for 5 days. We also have livestock, which the kids take care of. My kids really do take care of themselves pretty well. They have a routine, they can cook and get their own meals. They can clean up, although they normally don't bother without a lot of nagging and being deprived of dessert until they do it. Watching them won't really be hard.

Originally, I thought maybe the kids could go to friends' houses and have sleep-overs for the week, coming back home to do the chores (farming them out to various friends so nobody had to take all three of them at once). That didn't work out though. A neighbor family with kids my kids' ages and younger did agree to watch the kids though, and let them go home and do chores They can stay home most of the day as long as someone responsible is in charge and keeping track of them - we'll have a cell phone too so they can call us any time.

I told the other family that it is important for me to reciprocate, and to let me know what I can do for them that is equivalent. I'll offer them some goats, since they have expressed interest in having goats. I'll also leave money with them for groceries. And I would be willing to babysit for them too.

I should tell you that I have a history of expecting too much of people, and more than I can even count have gotten fed up with me and never wanted to have anything to do with me again. I was clueless, although T contends that I have no excuse for not knowing what I did wrong, and she doesn't believe that I could have not known. So this is a big issue, and the only difference is that this time I'm more aware of it and I honestly intend to make sure that I do my part.

I think that T thinks I should cancel going to my workshops, or pay somebody more than I can afford for watching the kids. I don't get paid well for my job, and beyond the tuition for the workshops, the other expenses are all mine. She won't tell me though. She's totally into me being responsible and solving my own problems.

What do you think? Am I asking too much? Should I just stay home? My employer would be out the money for the workshops.

I hate getting into this mode with T, where I feel like I'm under attack, and I get a bad attitude and although I've been trying to go along with it and see what she's trying to get me to learn about myself, eventually I'm fighting her and complaining about her and being obnoxious. I almost want to quit therapy, but if I quit now I would start hating her, and I don't want to hate her. And I still have so far to go, and I don't want to get stuck again.

Thanks ATG for thinking well of me. I wish that I were like that IRL, not just here. I want T to think that I'm a good person, and I want her to like me, and I don't think I can ever be good enough.

Myself, she really is not into celebrating my accomplishments. I don't know if that's because I don't do the right kinds of things, or if it's because she expects me to handle building self-esteem.

I'm trying to learn how to have friends, but I have done it wrong for my whole life. I've been learning by learning how to have online friends. IRL is harder, but I thought I was starting to make some progress there too. Apparently IRL all I do is use people though.