I have several questions about relationships, friendships, and love and hoped that someone on PsychCentral would be able to help me understand them better. Earlier, I’ve asked similar questions on other forums and Q&A websites, but unfortunately it seemed as though I frustrated a large number of users in doing so, an experience I hope I don’t repeat here .

My confusion about these matters is likely due to the experiences I have had in my life and having been diagnosed with Asperger’s Syndrome, a disorder known for issues with socializing and relationships.

It’s all so confusing to me! Makes me want to pull my hair out trying to make sense of it all . When I told this to my former autism program coordinator, she said this is a normal issue with those with Asperger’s, and then she said the chess theories with all the algebraic notations I am reading about would make her want to pull her hair out.

I don’t really know how to word it all, since the questions I have seem to be in a circle, but I will do the best I can. Maybe I will ask a question and then explain why I am asking it and the confusion I have around it.

1.) What is the purpose of friendship?
All of my life I have had very few to almost no friends whatsoever, and the ones that I have had I’ve been told weren’t really friends to me. For a long time I have believed that love could only exist between a girlfriend/wife and myself and that if I wanted to have someone that cared about me, listened to me, and respected me, I needed that kind of relationship. If someone has such a relationship with another, what purpose then does friendship serve? My last girlfriend was unbelievable! She as basically the first person that ever did respect, love, and listen to me. Over our relationship I didn’t talk to or see much of anyone other than her. Why talk to or hang out with someone else when I was happiest with her? To me friendship seems like this bonus gift on the side that is totally unnecessary and serves no real purpose. Using an analogy, it is like with my computers, cars, and cameras. I have a 24” custom-built iMac with 3.06Ghz, 1024GB hard drive, and 8GB of RAM, and then I have a little HP laptop that barely functions; I have a Kodak Easyhare camera that doesn’t turn on and a Canon DSLR with a 100mm USM Macro Lens, an 18-55mm lens, a low-angle tripod, and a set of extension tubes; and then I have an awesome Chrysler convertible and a minivan. Am I making sense? I don’t see the purpose in having a relationship and a friend…?

2.) What does it mean when a woman says that she loves you but not like that?
To expand on the poorly-worded and complicated question above, in 2011 I became much closer to my best friend whom happens to be an Internet friend that I hung out with in Montana because I began telling her, as well as my counselor, about my past history of abuse and overall started to show more of myself after 5 years of hiding from her. It’s weird to me because she does basically everything that my last girlfriend did, but we’re not in a relationship, and throws my entire understanding of relationships out of whack. She has said that she “loves me but not like that” and I have no idea what that means? If it is not the relationship kind of love, then what it is? And is not this love of a lower caliber than the one I am talking about in relationships? What is the difference between the two?

3.) What makes someone want to have sex/marriage/relationship with one person and not another?
Seems like an unusual question to others here but it doesn’t make sense to me. When I was discussing this with my counselor, she said she has friends that she would say she loves but that she wouldn’t ever want to marry, and I think why not? How is that decision made? What stops marriage from happening in such a situation? (Not explaining this well!) While reading in a book called The Complete Guide to Asperger’s Syndrome, the author, Tony Attwood, described that those with Asperger’s look at prospective partners as job applicants with a specific description of what they want - I can understand that. I want a woman whom I can talk to and listens to me, that doesn’t insult and yell at me, respects what is important to me, and is overall kind and nice. What else is needed? Passion? Well what is ‘passion’? So, basically, what are the ingredients for marriage and those kinds of relationships? As I said, if a woman talks to and listens to me, is kind, and if she takes interests in my interests (my ex-girlfriend went on bug hunts with me!), I can’t see what else is needed.

4.) How do married, loving couples interact?
I was chatting with my best friend (whom is also my life guru) about marriages and relationships in the future and my concerns about them. One of the things I said to her was that I am afraid of having a relationship because I am worried that a woman would force me to do things I don’t want to do. There are a lot of things I want to do, for example, in my life, such as travel around the world to mostly Middle Eastern and Central Asian nations, build a huge collection of tarantulas, and build my dream office, or as close to it as I can afford to. I’m also concerned about being forced to have children (and to solve that I am debating having a vasectomy done to end that there because I don’t ever want a child) and to do sexual things I am uncomfortable doing. My best friend said that I would definitely be able to keep tarantulas and do what is important to me and that I won’t ever be forced into doing something sexual that I don’t want to do, but is that true? How do married couples interact like this? I don’t think I’ve ever seen such a marriage before. All the marriages I have been around, according to my best friend, were abusive, although they seem quite normal to me. In my own family there has likely been at least one murder, several attempted murders, and everything is a power struggle with one member trying to force the other through coercion, threats, violence, whatever into submission. I have no idea how a loving, married couple would interact with each other?

Advice?