Unadulterated rage that consumes all thoughts. I am surviving it, barely. Feelings that I never allowed myself to feel. Feelings that I locked away behind bars of scars just so that existance could continue. Afraid that the world and those I love wouldn't be able to handle the anger. So very afraid. But I don't want to do this anymore. It would be better for my husband to leave me then for me to continue to lie on my son's bed and dream of my son's craft knife and the damage it could do. This is saying a lot, coming from a person with BPD. That I would rather him leave then to continue hurting myself to block my rage to keep the relationship that creates the rage. Notice, no mention of me leaving him, ha ha.

I haven't hurt myself since October. I got a few alprazolam from my doctor to use as the need arises. The need. I woke up this morning, opened my eyes, and the need was already there. I haven't taken a pill today though. I don't want to block the anger anymore. I tired of this. I want it to go away but it can't go, can't heal, until I feel it.

We have an appointment on wednesday, my husband and I. It is for me, always for me because I am the one who is "sick". It is funny. I don't feel sick. Just angry. EXTREMELY ANGRY. The problem is I have no idea what is the appropriate way to express this anger. I have never learned how to express this level of rage...without breaking things. When we go to the appointment, I will get help confronting my husband about his gambling. Oh, I have told him "don't do it any more." Ha ha. That is so funny. I have been upset with him. I have even yelled at him (after which he walked out of the house and left me alone to which I responded by the only means I knew how). Things are better now, he is a good man. I remind myself this as the rage runs through me. Like a mantra. Things are better now. He is a good man. Of course this only manages to make me feel guilty about being mad at him. But if I don't remind myself, I want to leave, which leads to thoughts of suicide. Weird. It doesn't make sense. I think I could handle him leaving me. When I think about it I feel a sense of relief...just before the fear kicks in. When I think about leaving him I just feel afraid. Why would that be?

Anyway, just have to make it through to Wednesday 10:00 and all will be revealed. He will know how pissed I am, deep down to my core. Will the world end. I really doubt it. Will I come to an end. Catherine won't let me. She will catch me if I fall. She will stop me if I cross the line. She will help me determine the appropriate expression of this anger to my husband. I am afraid, however, that I will click out, dissociated into nothingness. That will %#@&#! me off. I slipped away during my last individual appointment. It was the first time in ages that I went out so far and had to drag myself back with a thick tongue and fuzzy head. She had mention confronting my husband. My fear is so great I went away. I have had a couple of weeks to think about it now. Like getting used to the water before diving in I guess. Now he has messed up again. I don't know if he blew the money he took from the checking account on gambling. It doesn't matter. Not anymore.

I better go eat. My head hurts.
Zen