So today's session was really emotional. We went for a walk. The first thing he brought up was what happened yesterday. The 20 emails and the freaking out about being abandoned. He didn't understand, that after he reassures me once why I ask him for it again. I had to explain, that I stay worked up for hours sometimes. He then had to explain how our relationship is different than all the other ones that I have been in. That NO matter what I tell him, he will not abandon me, he will only get me additional care. He explained to me that I need to stop comparing him to other people that have abandoned me, because he has given me no reason to think he will. He also explained why I need to take risks in trusting people even though it's really scary to me. BUT overall he understands why I struggle so much, and it's something we will continue to work on together.

The second half of session I brought up the moving down to one session a week. I asked him why that's progress and why I couldn't just stay at two? He told me he wouldn't be doing his job as my T if we weren't trying to progress towards seeing him less. I immediately starting getting edging and anxious and he saw it and asked if I was okay. I said no. He started explaining to me that once I was healthier I would need him less, but assured me it wouldn't be for a long time. I asked if he saw a lot of patients twice a week, he said no. I was a bit surprised to be honest. He asked me if I was wanted to see him twice a week forever. I didn't lie. I said I would see him five times a week if I could. He told me I can't rely on him that much. I kept asking him why. Sometimes he didn't have an answer. I started getting really upset, so I put my hoodie on, and he told me to take it off. (it's my way of shutting down.) he kept explaining to me why I needed to eventually see him less but I started to dissociate and he saw it. He kept asking if I was listening and I said no. Then I starting crying and he asked why I was upset or worried and all I could get out was I was scared about losing him as my stability. He said that's why he wants me to form other healthy relationships, and he won't leave me on my own until I'm stable, and that I can ALWAYS email and come back if I'm struggling.

Then we went back to the office and I sat down. He said I looked sad, and he started talking and said he was frustrated that he couldn't get through to me to make it better. Then I fell apart. He told me all he could do is promise he won't abandon me. He wrote it on one of his appointment cards and gave it to me before I left.

I'm really drained. I don't know if that makes much sense. I just needed to get it out. Sorry.