I feel so awful. We came home just because I wanted to see my T before she leaves. I feel SO pathetic and I don't know if seeing her even helped. In fact, it made me feel worse but I know I needed this appointment.

She told me she thought about me or missed me while I was away. That was nice to hear. But she wanted to focus on what I could do, and especially how I can focus on a part of my body that feels calm, and incorporate that into my breathing or thinking. I don't know. I didn't care and I was frustrated!! I wanted to talk about my parts wanting her and I told her she was taking that away from me. She said she wasn't.

She said that sometimes when I focus on that it gets me into that feeling of being in quicksand or being immobilized. She wants me to be in the present and feel good. She's right but I couldn't do it.

She offered to hold my hand but even that wasn't helping as much as usual. It seemed like we were strangers though I told her our relationship is good now. We were just looking at each other and that was embarrassing for me.

I told her that picturing the baby parts with her isn't the same as being with her, because in the session I realize it's not her I want. I couldn't picture my Mom either. I couldn't do anything today! I wanted to cry but couldn't though she said she saw a tear in the corner of my eye.

She didn't know her itinerary but told me what she knew; she's going to 4 countries. I'm so jealous. Her whole family is going. She says I can email but she's not sure if she'll have access or not. She told me she'd be back and I'll be fine.

She gave me a little "coin" that says gratitude on it. When I left, I suddenly felt I wanted to give the EMDR book back to her so I stayed in the hall until she came out. She didn't have a client; she was on the phone. I told her the book was too triggering for me to keep now. We walked out together but she was in a hurry to do errands and come back.

She hugged me spontaneously before we got into our cars.

I already emailed her an apology for going into her personal time.

I feel sick and sad. She's not going until Saturday so I can still email knowing she'll get them now.

There's nothing to do about my needs. She thinks they are preverbal. So what? She wants me to have plans for these 2 weeks.

I know I will be all right but I feel like I'm that place she knows isn't good for me. I'm supposed to think of the beach.

I can't.

Can someone please help me?