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Originally Posted by Open Eyes
(((Silent)))),
This was a good thread for you because it is allowing you to examine the situation as well as search your own feelings. Because the one that has to truely come to an understanding about this situation is YOU. No one here can do that for you all we can do is offer our thoughts and ideas.
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It happens to me a Lot like this really, I make a thread to sort out my own feelings by understanding how i feel in relation to other's responses.
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This struggle you are having about him reconnecting with this other girl and abandoning you? You have to think about how that is really effecting you. If he does abandon you, that is not because you failed at anything. You truely cannot fix his problem, he is fumbling around with sorting that out himself. And if he is going to latch onto this other girl because he wants to be her instead of you, wow, that isn't something you have any way of fixing for him.
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I know it won't be because of me.. but nonetheless it's going to hurt... after everything I've done if he just left.. it seems really cruel..
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Silent, even if this other girl was not in his sights and he continued his focus on you, what could you truely do for him? If you did continue to allow him to continue to fantasize about being you in any way he can, that just isn't healthy for him or you.
The more this young man is allowed to dream and fanticize about being you or anyone else, the more he is going to lose his own sense of identity. This is a big issue he has going on and it really should be addressed by a professional that can help him find a way to be HIS own identity. This is really over your head Silent because eventually if he finally gets to a point where he realizes that he truely cant be you or that other girl? Oh he could truely crash, and you could be at risk of feeling responsible for something you truely had no ability to help him with.
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I honestly hadn't even thought about this being detrimental to his identity crisis.. I don't want to set him worse off.. but there's definitely no professional he'd trust around here.. and it seems so much easier to keep him complacent than say no and hurt his feelings..
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Yes, you are his friend, but to him, that is his path to being in a situation where he is allowed to fantacize he is you or that other girl, that is not going to help him. And now that you have shown him that you have caught onto his psychological game, he may just find someone else that allows him to play out what he wants. Do you see what I mean here? He is learning how to feed an obcession and you are actually being more of a codependant and you have to be careful about that because you are a born nurturer and very empathetic, well you could become a codependant not realizing it. There are many women that DO fall into that trap not realizing it. I had to learn that myself and it was hard for me because I was married to a man that was trying to get me to mother him and I had to learn how to counteract that, it is not easy.
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Psychological game? He's not intentionally doing anything he thinks of as wrong.. he's not and has never been the type of person to manipulate someone else. This all happened because I said ok. He's not Trying to mess with my head.. it's just turning out that way... he doesn't understand enough about social relationships to know why it would be weird even if i mention it to him.. he thinks he may be mildly autistic.. like have aspergers or something.. his other friend thinks so too, and honestly, given everything he does and how I can see it as possible too.. codependant? having just looked that up i would say i am one... and have been one for ages to anyone of importance to me.. it's stressfull too.. but i feel better knowing i'm helping someone else than i would feel if i said something around the lines of 'f them, i'm sick of this'.. i hate myself when i can't help or don't even Try to help other people..
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Silent, I know your want to help him, be his friend etc, but you are truely over your head here, really. This young man needs professional help, not someone that is going to feed into his mental illness. You have to give this some serious though Silent.
Open Eyes
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I never thought of what I was doing as feeding the problem.. as horribly obvious as it seems in hindsight.. I can't thank you enough for making me aware of it.. I will have to truly think about this.. I don't know how to get him any type of professional help with how distrusting he is.. but.. I don't know really.. I'll have to think of something..