Welcome Wendy. One idea on the son who feels he has to be perfect: try and find some area of interest that forces non-descript results. An example is like finger painting... or um herb gardening. Of course, you have to find something he will try, but this will help him some with his perfectionism.

Games where there is no clear "winner" might also help. And avenues such as model railroading... where the object does the work... (of course he might still get caught up in the arrangements...)

Creative writing.... give him a guys journal for his special ideas...

Sounds like somehow he formed the opinion that he has to be good, better, maybe because of the other "trouble" he causes you, or for the problems his brother is causing... he might be especially sensitive and picking up on wanting to love him "more".

Just thoughts... hopefully they will lead you a solution?

<font color=blue> meditation is a true way to connect to the Source </font color=blue>