Hello all

Sorry to plunge right in with a question - I've done a general introduction over on the relevant thread, but this is where I really belong, unfortunately, as I am sure none of us want to belong here.

A little background on myself - raised by a depressed and not comps-mentus mother, and a depressed, periodically alcohol-dependent father. Mother was abused by her father, and told me about it in great detail. Her brothers were also. Mother abused me emotionally, physically, verbally. I was pretty much her carer, but doctors wouldn't help. My father seemed blind to all this. He could be quite violent, but I believe he was a good man, and he became much better in the later years - he died when I was 18 in a car crash and I miss him terribly. My mother is now much better and still in my life, but has little recollection of the abuse, which makes things strained between us. I have a younger sister, who was always very quiet and boring, who recently went spectacularly off the rails. I thought I protected her from any abuse but now think I may not have done as well as I thought.

Anyway, I believe I was sexually abused by my grandfather. I can remember sitting on his knee and feeling an erection, and other instances where I would experience this white noise, burning heat, utter panic - I only remembered this once my father died, as I experienced the exact same response when the policeman told me he had been killed in an accident. It all came back to me, that sensation. I used to beg not to be alone with my grandfather, and yank my sister off his knee if she was on it. Because I cannot remember actual touching though, I have always felt very guilty about thinking I was sexually abused (I was sexually abused by lots of other people as a teen, which I remember vividly, but this is different for me, and the thing which traumatises and troubles me most).

Last night, I had a piercing memory, of being small, and a very large (for my size) finger being inside me, with a scratching nail. I couldn't place the finger, where I was, what was happening, but it was so clear, I knew it was real.

Today, things have been falling into place to kind of further prove what I have always felt I have known. As a child I had very frequent terrible urinary tract infections, but anti-biotics didn't help, and the doctors couldn't find a cause. I went to all kinds of specialists, I particularly remember the kidney ones, and they couldn't find anything wrong with me. They eventually just said to drink more water, which I did, but no amount of water helped. When I turned 9 or so, they stopped, and didn't return until I was a sexually active teenager. I also remember now, having cuts and grazes and sores on my inner labia as a young child, and how uncomfortable they made me.

I suppose my question is, has anyone else experienced these kind of sensory flashbacks, and the piecing together of information, and would you think I was reaching the correct conclusions? I've felt faint and sick with it, as I feel things clicking, as though things are indisputable. I know he was capable of sexual abuse, and for a long time I thought that my suspicions that he abused me were just based on the vivid stories my mother used to tell me of him abusing her - I used to dream about her abuse - but I never had any physical memories tied to them, more like they were old black and white movie scenes that would play over and over in my head. I would hate to say I was abused by him, and it not be true. I was brought up with a mixture of Buddhism and Catholicism, so have great guilt over making accusations, and a fear that my dead father, my now-dead potentially abusive grandfather (who died when I was 20), and my father's dead parents (who I loved very much), watching me from some other space, and calling me, knowing me to be, a liar.

I'm so sorry for such a long post - I hope this hasn't frustrated or upset anyone, and I really would appreciate some input. My other half finds it very difficult talking about these things with me, and my counsellor cancelled our appointment, so I feel very alone at the minute.

x