Thanks for the welcome, dexter and mj. I've been reading some of the posts here and in other forums. It is good to be among people who understand.

I've been dealing with depression since I was a teenager. It got really bad when I was a young, single mom in my late 20s. I was hospitalized several times, even lost custody of my daughter temporarily. Fortunately I didn't lose her forever.

Ever since then it's been a slow, uphill climb, with lots of backsliding. I'm 42 now and I look around and realize that I never did the things that I wanted to do with my life, and I wonder if it's too late. Or, if it's not too late, if I'll ever be "well" enough to do them.

I say fortunately I didn't lose my daughter, but maybe it hasn't been so fortunate for her. She's had to grow up with "depressed mom" and no contact with her father. She's 18 and on her own and a great kid. She takes care of herself and has a great group of friends and a good job. I'm proud of her.

Right now I'm trying to finish college, get my bachelor's degree that I started back in 1979. It's been a ten-year struggle, and sometimes I've withdrawn and sometimes I've failed classes but mostly I've kept going. Right now it looks like I'm in over my head and may have to withdraw from some classes. Or maybe all of them, not sure.

I feel so stupid because last semester was very hard, and I should have been doing more to take care of myself over the break. I don't have a therapist right now and I need to find someone I can work with. Last week I met with someone who told me after the hour and a half appointment that he didn't think he had the "energy" to work with me right now. I am pretty sure that I want, no, NEED therapy with a lot of structure because I'm so scattered. I'm trying to find someone who actually DOES CBT or DBT. It seems like most therapists when you get right down to it, prefer talk therapy because it means that they don't have to work very hard. Or at least that's what I'm starting to suspect.

Looking back at what I'm writing, it seems that there's some good mixed in with the bad, although from where I'm sitting sometimes it seems like it's all bad. When people here post about their friends and loved ones, I feel so envious because I have so few people in my life that care. Because of my chronic depression, I've found it really hard to keep friendships. Also, I wonder if I'll ever date again.

Has anyone else here experienced long-term depression? How have you dealt with it? Is there a light at the end of the tunnel?

If not, thanks at least for letting me blab.

sarah