Justgivealittle, can you call your T before your next appointment? Just call and say it's an emergency. I really feel you should talk to someone. As for your fiance try suggesting he get some help too.

I know very well that when you're suicidal it really seems that death is the only option, but often there are many others, you just can't see them.

Why don't you tell us more about your hobbies, your dreams, the things you like to do?