Hey freak! I did go to my ECT today and I tried to talk to the doc about doing more ECT's but he decided that I should only go once a week because he said I'm making "gains and progress" which I don't see at all. I'm not sleeping well, I have intense PTSD issues(especially with this rape anniversary on Monday) I started crying before my ECT(thank goodness the staff and the doctor didn't see me.) I'm just in a horrible spot and so is my fiance'. He is tired of feeling like he has no purpose and I'm tired of feeling like everything in my life is my fault and that I'm a miserable, dirty, fat, ugly and stupid human being. There are times where I think my fiance' is too good for me and that I'm absolutely horrible for him. Our sex life is out the window and I feel bad about that but I just can't do it. Its too triggering, its too hard, I don't like it. I can't...

As far as hobbies and dreams, I went in to music for piano since I have been playing piano ever since I was little. I switched over to social work because I wanted to help people. I also did protests and rallies for sexual violence and other issues like eating disorders etc.. I also did criminal justice as a minor because I loved the idea of learning criminology and stuff. However, I didn't finish because my illnesses took over and I had to quit. I don't feel confident enough to go back and I don't have thousands of dollars to go back anyway. I feel like a failure, like a loser and like I'm not meant to be around... honestly I feel exactly like my fiance' but I am going to call my community support worker today and talk to him because he knows whats going on. I'm afraid they are going to hospitalize me though because thats the last thing I want. However there is always someone that asks me if I "need" to be in the hospital and I don't know that answer. I know I don't want to though.