(((Justgivealittle)))),

When someone is tramatized, even rape, they always go through a time when they feel at fault somehow. I went through this myself after so many of my animals were destroyed. I blamed myself for missing what was going on WHILE I SLEPT? But I still felt somehow responsible. Then I blamed myself for breaking down and going into shock and that wasn't hard because everyone else blamed me too. And then I blamed myself for having PTSD and how I could not seem to pull things back together, and everything just fell apart. And I just kept feeling guilty and constantly appologizing to everyone FOR SOMETHING THAT WAS NOT MY FAULT.

I know exactly how you feel I have been there for a while. And I had to learn to understand PTSD and what it all meant. The only one that understands it now is my husband, but that is just since before last Christmas. This year for me will mark the five year aniversary of when my life just got so destroyed. Other than my husband? My family has basically been punishing me for something I can't help. That is why I am very firm on telling you to do whatever you can to get your family to understand this and SUPPORT YOU as much as possible. And the boyfriend? Well if he loves you, then this will be a big test, he should take you for walks and help you by maybe taking you for a drive or a museum or something to take your mind away from constantly living this.

You NEED TIME sweetheart, and it will begin to make sense to you more. But I am not going to lie, I am still struggling myself, but I am much better than last year.
My big problem is that I am still addressing crippled animals, big debt, and a lawsuit that is desgined to make me wait and suffer. I almost wanted to rant here again today. My neighbor is just going on with their lives while my life has been hell. I have to say, it is very hard some days.

But you have to make yourself go to therapy and allow yourself to work through this.
Know that when you talk like this, it is the PTSD talking and you WILL eventually gain control over it.

Now, I took Klonopin for four years in order to sleep at night and it lasts around 8 hours. Maybe you need to try that, ask your pdoc. You need something to help you get through this hard part IMO.

(((((Hugs)))))
Open Eyes