first off ditto on berly's reply.
it's about acceptance of who and what you are and the willingness to see the change through. sounds like you've been going from one drug to another and getting the same results-problems from addiction. it's a very high price we pay just for an escape from real life. i'm bipolar and i self medicated, became an alcoholic until i knew it wasn't working for me. i hit my "bottom" and knew there was only one solution-abstinence. at first that was hard but i stuck to it. i had the "tools" and needed to use them instead of taking the "easy" way out. i wanted a sane life not an illusion.
in AA and NA they tell us addiction promises us jails, institutions and death. many of us sober today got the first two down pat. sounds like you also have.
so glad you posted, john. we're here to support you. no need to be disgusted with yourself. we have the disease of addiction but we can arrest it's damage by not using. glad u're here.