I recently had a member tell me she believed that it wasn't possible for people to change, at least those who have inflicted emotional, psychological or physical abuse on another person. I am posting my reply to that here:

I don't know if I agree with you. I come from an extremely disfunctional backround and was very unhealthy mentally into my early twenties. I woke up one day and decided I needed to get well, and change as a person, and I did. But it was because I had a strong Mom, who although she was part of the original problems, helped me work through the family issues I needed to deal with. She listened, even when she didn't want to hear what I was saying. I was able to put my childhood in perspective, deal with it and move on.

I think those you have counselled, or have had experience with have all lacked the one thing necessary for emotional healing and change, honest support from someone else. My husband has moved back into the house (in the spare bedroom, I have no plans to reconcile now or in the future at this point), at my request. The second night after I asked him to move out, he showed up the next day reeking of alcohol. Since drinking had been an issue in his past, my anger was quickly replaced with fear. He really doesn't have the "tools" necessary, or even know how to start, dealing with his mental issues. He just runs away. We have talked for hours in the last week, more than we have in the last six months. I have opened doors to some of his closets, and made him look inside. I have always known what drives his bad behaviors, and pointed out various things over the years, but it's only now, when he knows he's lost me, that he is ready to face his demons.

I realize a lot of women would think that I am crazy for helping him, one of my best friends told me just that on the phone yesterday. But my logic is this. The hurt I have to deal with by having him here is far less than the hurt I would have to face telling my son, who is madly in love with him, that Daddy isn't coming home, in jail or so strung out on drugs that he can't see him. I owe it to my children to try and stop him from self destructing. I am the only person in his life with whom he has an even remotely honest relationship. And although if I had no children I'd probably tell him to "go have a nice life", I have to do what's best for the kids. We chose to have them, they didn't choose us, so I want them to have great people in their life, emotionally healthy people.

Back to the point, do I think he will change? I don't know, but I know he wants to. For now, that is what I am working with. And if he can even correct some, or most of his bad behaviors, he will be a far better parent to my kids.

wounded1