I think it is more frightening when you are thinking about not accepting or caring for your child. I don't know what has caused the thoughts that are distressing to you. I think that might take a while to figure out. I think it is important that you KNOW you would never actually doing hurtful things to him. I am no expert at unraveling these difficulties but I hope you are able to persist from one day to the next with what you want to think. Do take care of yourself.