Most of the biggest factors on my depression and self esteem issues stem from myself. I'm under the impression that for some reason my mind judges my failures and insecurities far heavier than anything good I accomplish. There are a number of examples that I could provide, but more I wouldn't be entirely comfortable with mentioning at this point.

One of the few examples that I am comfortable with mentioning is that I have a really strong desire and feel for romance and have tried to prevent people that I've talked to feeling like love isn't something for them. Yet when it comes to my own life, I seem to fall back in a habit of finding excuses for why somebody wouldn't want to be in a relationship with me.

Whether I tell myself that I'm not physically attractive enough, or worthy of their social contact or even that relatively small things that I've done in the best are coming back to me through karma to keep love out of my life. In the latter, I do mean 'small things' as in really little things, like argueing with my brother when I was a small child.

The thing is, whenever I see something that could validate one of those ill construed explainations in my head, like when somebody doesn't acknowledge me greeting them when I say 'hi' in the street, it becomes a much stronger belief in my head that I am not worthy of anybody's attention or love.

This self invoked feel of inferiority has sabotaged myself from actually living a 'life' for the past eight years. During which anything decent that I accomplish, like giving support to somebody, holding down a job while juggling depression with suicidal thoughts or random acts of kindness, I see it as trivial exceptions to the rule that I am a worthless, disgusting waste of genetic material.

Somebody close to me explained the latter bit as me just being humble, but it's more the feeling that my priorities in my mind are so much different from where my priorities lay rationally. Though there are other indicators that I am judging myself completely different than how I judge others, like how I hold myself to much higher standards or how I've deprived myself of food while working and insisting that my mother and brother ate properly, it is mostly the first example I mentioned that worried me the most.

It just all leaves me with the impression that I am my own worst enemy and is one of the biggest fuels for my depression. Hopefully by posting this, I can get some sort of deeper insight or a different perspective on what's going on?