I think had I known I had DID when my children were smaller, I would have been able to be a better mom. Because I didn't know what was going on or what (or who) I needed to protect my children from, I protected them from "stupid" stuff and not from the stuff or ones I needed to protect them from. Because of that, they were abused by family members and so while I broke the abuse cycle, my children were still affected by other people in our lives.

Because I didn't know what was going on, my children sometimes felt like they were the adult.

And because of my dissociation, they sometimes felt that while they had a mom, she was absent (due to the kind of stuff you mentioned).

But on the positive side, my children and I have a unique and wonderful relationship that we might not have had if we hadn't endured and survived what we did.

Because of the DID, my children told me they and their friends loved having someone who got down on the floor and played with them.

Because of the DID, my children and their friends felt like they had someone safe they could talk to about anything and would be understood, especially when they felt like they couldn't talk to anyone else.

I'm definitely a much better mom now. I had to do a lot of grieving and I had to forgive myself for not being the mom I wanted to be. The desire was definitely there, but the capability due to the dissociation was not there.

My children went through a lot of stuff, but in the end, they understand a lot and I understand a lot. We all have a lot more compassion for people who go through things and we have a lot more awareness than most family members have. We stand together united now and we protect each other in ways others never even realize.

I'd love to say that having DID didn't make a difference and that I was able to be an awesome mom because of the others, but the truth is that for me, while I loved and love my children, would die for them, I wasn't able to be that great of a mom. But my children know I loved them and love them and they know that I was the best mom I could be at the time. And that is huge to me.

My biggest advice to you would be to get the support you need. It's okay to be afraid to, but bravery is doing it anyway, even through the fear. You deserve it and definitely your children deserve it, if you can't do it for you right now.