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Originally Posted by LydiaB
O Kiya, I completely and utterly get this situation. And I feel for you. Hospitals cause my entire system to go completely out of tune. It's not even cool. Exactly like you're describing
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Yep!!! I actually got tricked going in. The whole point of me contacting that private hosp was to see if they had therapy there and could work with our destructive alter's abusive programming for sui. Turns out they didn't.
So instead of answering my question, they have me come in for an "appointment" and then wouldn't let me leave @_@ PANIC! So not the plan! I wasn't sui!!! yes, things were esclating with that alter and depression was bad, but I wasn't in harm's way. They wouldn't let me get my stuff from home. I told them that if I didn't get 8's stuffed animals we were going to have a melt down right then and there. THey finally gave me 3 hours to get things taken care of and packed - if I didn't turn up in 3 hours they would call the cops. Made me sign a form and took down my car info!!
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...and then usually the hospital thinks that I'm so severe that I need not see the outside for months.
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Totally - each time the alt. harmed I think bought us another day on the ward. One nurse (the "testing me" one) said that if I wanted to get out, I need to stop doing that. I think she didn't know for ages that we're more than one. ANd when I said to another nurse (the one that stopped 8 on her 3rd flight) that I had a possible thursday date for home, she answered with "hmmmm... we'll see." @_@ Didn't get out until the next monday.
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So I go in for acute suicidal thoughts and I stay for 3 months. Usually it takes that long until all alters feel safe in that particular place and stop acting out. (*HMM!*) When really it's not necessary for them to feel safe there (*EXACTLY!!!*), just let them go back home. As long as the original issue(safety) was dealt with. Although to them it seems as if it hasn't been dealt with, because I have had alters do just as you described. Self harming or harming other parts, etc. But that stuff wouldn't be happening if I was at home.
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(possible trigger below - pls be safe)
that's totally it. ours harmed nearly every day. that doesn't happen at home. we did have a 5 day (?) stretch with no harm, but she never lost contact with her chosen tool. For all their "safety" they never checked us for items (just believed me when I said no to "Do you have anything on you that you can hurt yourself with?" - but they would check my room...), especially after leaving the cafeteria when they knew her chosen item was the plastic knives. But any sharp would do. I'd even sometimes turn myself in - only to get in trouble or put on watch. HELLO! I just GAVE you the item, now i am item-less. Why put me on watch NOW?!
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As you described general psych wards make us panic more, so we have to end up, in a real sense keeping our safety level to ourselves, because we don't want to be retraumatized.
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YEP! i started lying on the daily check in forms. I was NEVER going to get out of there if I didn't. The good thing about this hosp was that it was more like a treatment center and didn't have those awful ER "holding cells" where you sit for hours in a cold room with just a mattress and blank white walls (omg those make us cry and cry).
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I have considered typing up some sort of a letter while I'm well, so that when I am very ill I can use it and see if it works. Like for instance I would include in it that if possible it makes me feel more safe to have my own room, so that when I feel overwhelmed I have a safe place to retreat to. Maybe you could do the same?
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I think that's a great idea! I hope that works for you! I have 2 pretty strong hosts (we share) that are good at advocating for the system, fortunately. And a narrator/observer as well. OMG for example, when I first got there, they *took away* our xanax!!! No talking to me, no consulting with me. Just boom. "We don't like to use it." OMG!!! I've been on it for 2 years, you don't just take away a med!!! And they wouldn't let me have atavan either. Talk about freaking out. 30 hours, no xanax. So mad
and in so much panic. I'm on dissability for anxiety and panic and they take away my 2 only anxiety meds??? who's running this show?? Every hour or two I was asking them for it. Through panic attacks and tears, they'd ask me what I need - XANAX!!! Then they looked up who my dr would be and said "Oh she's not going to use either one of those - she really dislikes those". I said I'm leaving - you can't just take away meds. If i can't have those I'm out of here. Finally they called her (she was on vacation), and got it back as well as the atavan (by then I was having withdrawals). Then they had to give me librium for withdrawals along with the med. Unreal. That was a rocky start.
My new therapist asked me if I'd go back - why are we talking about this now... it's my first day here.... shook my head no. Granted, it was easier going than most. But I also can't afford it. New therapist is worried that if we do work on the alt.'s programming, I won't be safe. Duh, that's why I tried to do it inpatient. So I don't know what the future will hold. I'm not real optimistic.
Thanks for the post.