Thanks for your feedback - I value your opinions. The problem is I fail at relationships with people, especially in therapy. I need answers to questions about the past, present and future - to determine what is real and ensure I am not missing/distorting anything. But I can't get those answers because the "relationship" thing keeps getting in my way - I fail at that so can never get to discussions for the answers I need. I have tried to find my answers by reading as suggested, rather than with a therapist - and while helpful, I still am missing out on the feedback to ensure I am not missing something particular to my specific case, versus examples I read about. I cannot continue without my answers - I am at the point where I need those to move on and cannot continue in this same place as I have for too many years - so I thought maybe I could circumvent all my people issues (ego, needy little child inside, etc.) and try to ignore all personal aspects and disconnect so I could get my answers. It is hard to do - I have been trying - ignoring the things that hurt me that make me quit therapy (therapist side) - and ignoring the shame and humiliation of my ego that make me quit therapy (my side). I do feel deceitful though...and like I am "using" the therapist. I think the therapist is really committed to helping me...so like the therapist is "invested" on some kind of personal level but I'm not, so I'm betraying them. But if it is the only way I can get the answers I need now, I don't know how else to do it... Anyway, your comments have helped a lot. Thanks!