On Friday night I attended a work/school event that was very hard for me. I thought for sure that I would win an award that would really help to advance my career. When I didn't win, I waited the rest of the awards out but went out to my car. I bummed a cigarette (I don't smoke), but saw a bar across the street from the venue. Since then I've been drinking both yesterday and all day today. Not enough to get messed up, but enough to deal with what's been going on. I feel horrible... sad, upset, and lost. I started re-reading a book this morning, "Blue Like Jazz," which is about finding God in the strangest of places. I don't know if this is the answer for me but right now I'm doubting my future, regretting my past, and feel a lot of resent toward my actions. I've been working so hard for so long. It seems petty, but in all honesty, the award that was given is much bigger than you can imagine. What makes it the worst is that the person who won lost because of a physical ailment. The people who voted gave the award to her for being able to complete her work despite her ailment, but several of them know that I suffer from depression and anxiety. It makes me sad to know that, once again, mental illness doesn't count as a "real" illness. And for that, I lost my chance at an award that really would have advanced my career. And I truly believe that I deserved it. My grades and work in the classroom prove that. But either way, now I'm feeling alone and sad. Please, anyone... Just some words of encouragement to help heal my broken heart. I need some motivation to keep moving forward and to put down the drinks.