She is not the only person I do this with. I've done it with first dates, new friends, etc.

It comes from a few places:

1) Constantly questioning her authenticity. I've learned I have a big thing about people not being fake. She needs to be real, genuine, and honest with me. I kept looking for things that would point otherwise. She's a Christian, and I needed to see evidence of that. I needed to know that while she was a therapist, she also didn't have dealbreaker skeletons in her closet. I needed her personality to be the same in session and in her real life. I needed little things so I could respect her as a professional (no crazy drunk pics, etc.).

2) Needing a connection between sessions. I have some sort of weird emotional amnesia/impermanence (something that can occur with BPD). If I'm not with someone, they don't exist for me emotionally. The need for connection to her has waned quite a bit since having more regular and frequent sessions and comfortable communication via email. For sure, the real life relationship I have with her is more valuable to me than what I was scrambling for before, but at the time I needed something. She was a safe thing in my life so in the moments when I was really screwed up I could task myself with gathering more information about her, and it got me closer to something safe.

3) We are close in age, have similar interests, and live in a moderate-sized isolated community, so there will be overlap. I now go to the church where she once went, so we know some mutual people. Going through their older pictures and getting an idea of how that church group has changed since I've joined evoked a painful longing in me. I needed a group like that when it was happening, and I wish I could have experienced that community. That gets tangled up with her since she was in the group then. I've also had some tricky instances when her name has been brought up as someone who had been in the group, and I've felt very dirty or unsafe, feeling like I was way over boundaries. One night I was talking with a friend in her apartment and found out that my T actually used to live there as a roommate with some others a few years back.. it freaked me out being right there in her previous apartment. We later talked it out and she was ok with it. I hadn't expected it, but hearing from her that she forgave me for that made it so much easier for me to realize it was just something that happened. These things will crop up time to time, but it's not on purpose, I'm not fishing for things, and I'm not trying to insert myself into her life. I need her so much more as a therapist than I would ever gain from her as a friend. She's just a person, and I have a few fantastic friends I'd prefer.

I know as much about her as one could possibly know about someone from the internet plus all the self-disclosure she has done. I felt very ashamed for having done it, but talking through it with her reduced my guilt and helped me see why I was doing it. Both very beneficial. It did freak her out at first, but she had a good idea of who I was by that time. I may have been the first to talk it out with her, but I'm sure I'm not the only to have done so (or will do so). Information is just information. I never had the intention of doing much more than collect it. I sometimes run past where she lives (she knows), but even with that, it's not like I'm checking up on her.

We came to the conclusion that as long as it's not taking over my life (hours a week looking for her to slip up so I can write her off as inauthentic, only connecting to her via google, etc.), then those are all ok. I will continue to do it if necessary until the issues are "fixed". It's been less and less of my life now that I've gotten to know the "real" her better.