eclogite -- thank you so, so much for sharing that.

" I have some sort of weird emotional amnesia/impermanence (something that can occur with BPD). If I'm not with someone, they don't exist for me emotionally."

I've got this too -- or something akin to it. I have some hours (and it's hours, not days) where I feel like I'm fine being my autonomous self with an H and kiddos and a life. And then there are hours where I wish I could sit at T's feet like Mary did with Jesus -- that he will only be here a short time. That gaping maw of neediness is so effing hard to tolerate.

One of my most effective coping mechanisms is exercise/running. After a run yesterday my knee (I've had few surgeries from college/post-college sports) did it's swelling and deep aching thing that it does sometimes and I had to get off it. I've been icing it on and off all day and all the other important knee-maintenace things. But I'm absolutely terrified that I'm not going to be able to exercise and will "lose it". When I run I not only get the usual benefits but I "feel" closer to T (who is an athlete). Some days/hours its the only think that keeps me attached.

Thankfully I'm going to be busy with work the next several days so hopefully the days between sessions will go quickly.

I hate feeling this way -- especially since I was "fine" earlier today. Grrrr.