After posting the above last night, I looked through the recommended articles on here, and read the one about covert abuse/incest. I realised it described my mother. Cue complete breakdown, and this feeling of being so dirty and nausous still hasn't left me. Though I feel awful, at the same time, it feels good to have a name to put to it. I won't go into details, but I was exposed to sexual information from a very young age, and forced to provide seemingly non-sexual acts which provided sexual pleasure, and could hear her doing other things at night time as doors must be kept open at all times in case the ghosts got angry (I do not believe in ghosts but my mother's psychosis about them eventually led to me having hallucinations at 16/17 as a result) anyway... I found myself shouting that I wished she was dead and my dad was still alive, but this morning I wonder, if she had died, would I be saying the same of my verbally and sometimes physically abusive dad who I did love very very much?

It's all such a mess. What a way to begin Monday.

You don't need to read, sorry, it's just good to put it out there.

Also - if I'm missing any sort of forum etiquette, or if there's any good threads to hang out in on here, let me know. I'm a friendly type and I know how frustrating it is when people use forums, get what they want, then bugger off without so much as a thanks.

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