I've left myself a day to try and organize my thoughts, and figure out what the hell is going on in my head, which in all honesty has not helped all that much.. So i'll start here, at one of the few places I have left.

I've known a friend for a very long time now, which still to this day amazes me that they care about me. Most proper friendships manage to fall apart due to my unpredictable and reckless behavior, which i can attribute completely to my own making and fault.
Getting the past history out the way, I'm trying to figure out what goes so wrong in my head that i just leave people. I know for a fact that guilt plays a large part in myself. I hate knowing that people know me, i hate feeling so vulnerable. I still accept the fact that people open up to me, and I have to try and help people. The only problem I have is supporting people on a long term basis.
I don't blame this person. They have been there for so long, stuck with me, dragging me kicking and screaming through some of the worst lows of my life. Helping me see the light at the end of a very long and dark tunnel. I have put them through so much personal worry by just generally being a complete plank. By not replying, by not letting them know how I am. And what makes it worse, is i know that if I talked to them tomorrow we could be best of friends. But i can't ! I can NOT keep using someone, even though I never mean to, The thought of using someone horrifies me ! I do honestly care about people, but i just don't have the mental strength to actually keep it up. I leave people feeling empty and abused because of how I act, and how selfish I am.. They've given me so, so many chances to sort it all out, but its just going round in circles. The worst part is, how much they care about me (or cared). I don't know what to do with myself. I'll get a message from them and I just don't know what to reply without being stupid, or sounding like a lunatic. Often it'll be days after I even realize i have a message.. How does this sound ? "sorry I haven't been talking, I have no idea where I've been or what I've been doing" Just doesn't quite cut the cake there. It's an open recepie for someone just looking like they're taking the piss.

A couple of months ago, something changed in me and I'm still completely bewildered by it. I stopped caring about anyone. I don't feel like i could genuinely turn to someone and say "I care". That hurts not just me but those who depend, rely and care about me. I have always wanted so much to be the best person I can for other people. And it makes me cry sitting here thinking about how much I used to care. Its who i am, its all I've ever lived for. Its like someones just walked into my mind and flipped the "off" switch.
My personal health has dropped considerably after a family death. I've had to cope with supporting what little family I have left, while completely disregarding my own well being. My mental state has gone from weird to completely crazy. Washing machine on full spin cycle describes it quite well. I don't care about myself. I don't care if I eat, I don't care if i sleep. Nothing matters to me anymore really because there's nothing left to care about. I've lost someone who meant the world to me, and I can't even begin to explain to them how bad I feel about how I've treated them because they won't want to know. They'll know it'll all happen again. Suddenly we'll be magical friends for a while and then I'll disappear off the face of the planet for them. Again. What really hurts them (and i don't blame them) is that I'm still about, they know i'm still active, and they know I'm not talking to them. again, causing them far, far more turmoil than is ever necessary. I'm not trying to use a "get out of jail free card" here or anything but I honestly will put off replying again and again, because i hate the feeling of being responsible for someone..

Maybe its other things affecting me, I see a lot of people who are either dead, dying or in a horrible state. I still see the faces, I'm still haunted by the dead, even weeks, months, years. Wishing I could have done something, wishing i could have been better. Putting myself down for not "being there". For not being good enough. For not being the right person.
Every time I close my eyes at night a million images fly through my head. I hear the whispers in the darkness, I revisit scenes in my head. I see it all again. Maybe its the desensitization from it all that's made me disconnected from the living.. The view of "well hey, we all die anyway".

Maybe its the fact that now I look at myself, and I honestly think, well hey. What does it matter. Your ugly, your horrible, your mad, your wrong, you shouldn't even have been born.. I look in the mirror, and its not like I hate what i see, It's like I know i shouldn't be here. All that I've done, and all that I haven't done. People who have depended on me, and I've let them down because I'm in my own stupid world somewhere in the fog of memories and thoughts. I don't even know where I am half the time, and to be honest, we don't care.
Think about all the things that make someone feel human, feel alive. I hope someone else might be able to, because I feel dead, like I've already rotted away, there's nothing left inside.
Its probably better for everyone this way anyway, for me not to care, to be gone where i can't hurt anyone anymore. Self harm in its amazingly different forms doesn't even work anymore, its just like another way to pass the time before the inevitable freight train of doom comes a'knocking, be it today, tomorrow, a year, a decade. inescapable.
One day the time will come, and I'll embrace it.