LL and I don't discuss my suicide stuff. That is my choice that I made based on what I know about myself and the agency she works for and the state and USA laws and some very special friends in my life.

Here in the USA a person who threatens or attempts a Suicide threat or action can be arrested and or involluntarily committed to a local mental health unit for a 72 hour observational time period. At the end of that 72 hours the treatment team meets and decides if the person is still a threat of harm to themselves and or others if so they are held for 14 days. At the end of 14 days the treatment team again meets and d4ecides if the person is a threat of harm to themselves and or others. if so the person is sent to a more secure facility indefinately. The facility depends on type of insurance. State insurance gets state mental health facilities and those with private insurance can choose what facility they go to depending on the facility options from their insurance company

Most if not all therapy professionals and agencys have no choice but to follow the USA law of referring suicidal clients to the local ER for assessment with two hospital staff psychaitrists for possible volluntary or involluntary commitment.

The reason they do this if they did not they would lose their permits, certifications and licenses. In some cases alot of times therapy agencies work out of public buildings like crisis centers, domestic voilence centers, Department of human services and hospitals or other therapy agencies and share the rental costs in same building. If they didn't follow the USA law it endangers those other people and agencies not only to the threat of harm from some one elses client but also risks those other agencies permits and certifications and licenses to practice.

I found out all this the hard was - 3 involluntary commitments and 5 years ago I found myself sitting in a court hearing. lawyers and The Department of Human Services and a judge were discussing whether to arrest me, commit me or work with me when I became suicidal.

My lawyer and the judge explained to me the state and USA laws surrounding Suicide attempts and threats So that I would understand what the hearing was about.

I got VERY lucky. They decided to release me with a court order to remain in therapy at the discression of my therapist and court ordered to remain on medication at the discression of my family physician. Otherwise I would have been incarcerated in a prison mental health unit or the state mental health facility until I was deamed no longer a threat to myself and or others.

Later my friends all let me know what my death would mean to them and how selfish I was being. when I wanted to die I wasnt thinking about them I was thinking about me and taking the easy cowardous way out of my problems. It only take picking up a bottle of pills to kill yourself. but it takes so much more to stay and face the problem and take care of it. I may be out of the situation and problems but in killing myself I would have left so many people with a lifetime of anger at me. Yea they would have been hurt and feeling guilty and so on but those feelings pass and when they do what left is anger against the person who killed themselves. anger at their leaving, anger at their being so selfish that they didn't care if they leave their friends and family hurt and suffering PTSD, depression and so on for life sometimes even to the point where that person is pulled over the edge and spends the rest of their days in mental hospitals and so on., anger on top of more anger.

One person I'll call (((((((((((Marcy)))))))))) put everything on the line reminding me what all of us that knew her daughter when her daughter committed suicide went through. Then she woke me up big time by telling me to change the concept from what we all went through and still do because of her daughters death and place all that onto my child because that is what I would have done iff I had succeeded that day that lead to my court hearing. Imagine leaving my 7 year old child feeling and experiencing all of that. He had already lost his father to death of natural causes and he is now scarred for life and believes his dead father talks to him and tells him to do bad things. Imagine what tmy sucide would do to him. And then she sent me a paragraph wrote by her daughter when her daughter was alive.

I promised her that I would never again actively plan to commit siucide.

Another friend I will call (((((((((MBH)))))))))) Called me every possible chance she could and emailed me every day not letting me loose sight of what my life and friendship means to her. I have the same promise with her.

My ex therapist now friend ((((((((((SKR)))))))) Sat with me in her car and laid it all out what hers and my friendship means to her and what my committing suicide would mean to her. I have the same promise and commitment of no suicide with her

My friend I will call ((((((((CB))))))))))) gave me the lecture like the others of what my friendship and life and death means to her and then added her own comical edge to it by saying she would save me just to kick my ***** and then kill me if I ever scared her like this again - it was her and my son that saved my life by one keeping me on the phone and the other running for help.

My friends and I believe that thoughts are ok but actions are not.

Based on all this - I care more about my friends and my child then I do for myself. I don't want to hurt them in any way and my taking my life would be irrepairably hurting each one of them. So regardless of how bad it gets, I may think about it but I will never again acively attempt suicide.

As for LL. I know the state and USA law. And she knows my reson for refusing hospitalizations. If I brought my suicidal toughts to her I would be putting her in a very hard spot of following the law and agency protocal or following my wishes of no hospitalizations and do nothing while knowing I was in danger. That is not the right thing to do to a therapist let alone one you have spent 2 years developing a trust for and have the bonis of growing to like her. I wont do that to LL. She has asked for my promise but to me having a contract or promise with her that I won't kill myself when I already know I will never go to that point ever again seems kind of rediculas.

When I started with LL 2 years ago we talked about it one day so she knows the thoughts are always there and they will always be there until my child comes home. But I won't act on it. We haven't discussed it since and for me theres no need to.

With other therapists I told them face to face. I think of telling someone I am suicidal kind of like the idea of posting while in an active suicidal state- you tell someone in letter or email and if the person does not know who you are that is not being very respectful of that other person - telling them you want to die when you know full well they can't do anything about it. that leaves the person feeling helpless, angry and so on and distrusting the person who posts or writes an email to effect because the person obviously doesnt care about that other person friendship and so on if they are willing to make that person feel helpless and angry that they can't prevent you from killing yourself.

Emailing and writing to a therapist about suicidal thought - well that putting in writing and can be used against the person wring as proof of the persons need for arrest and hospitalization because writing them down can be considered as making a suicidal plan. By talking face to face with those I did tell I was able to talk it through so that they knew it was just thoughts and no actions and I just needed to talk. Face to face therapists not only have your words to guide them in making their decision of hospitalization or not but they also have tone of voice, body language and so on that they have been trained to listen to and look for.

Basically how a person tells their therapist depends on their own relationship with that therapist. Most clients in relatively short time especially abuse survivors who have had to rely on their gut insticts, facial expressions, tones of voice and so on of those in authority or their abusers pretty much know what type of words will set that therapist into "worry" mode.

Think about your sessions and when you have seen or picked up on the attitudes and body language that told you your therapist was in unfamiliar territory or may have not fully understood a situation and in doing so you will know how to tell her without her hosptializing you.