Mary Alice,
I am trying to take care of myself. It is hard though. I think I am going to spend tonight just vegging instead of doing all those nifty self care things we are told to do.

The Xanax I took this morning helped considerably. It turned off my brain for a few hours. Now that the drug has worn off, my brain has kicked back in and I haven't yet entered the destructive circular thinking I am proned to get stuck in. I am starting to be able to sort out the emotions of NOW and the emotions of THEN. It is going to be important to know which is which tomorrow.

NOW emotions are: Fear of losing everything to his gambling, anger at his not sticking to the agreement we made after I found out about the last bit of gambling, and frustration that I allowed myself to enter into the same old pattern instead of going straight to marriage counseling.

THEN emotions are: Fear of being left, pain of being alone, guilt for being an abusive mother, anger about being treated has nothing other the a F-puppet (sorry about that wording but it is where the real rage comes from), anger at him eating at restaurants with other women (co-workers) while my young child and I made due with ramen and pancakes. I can go one but I am getting tired of typing and don't want to get the thoughts going again, but you get the general gist of it.

Tomorrow at 10:00 I will be with my therapist whom I trust to be fair with BOTH of us. She will help us come up with a plan of action to deal with this. I trust that she will help Chris realize just how much this needs to change and that it is in his best interest to change it. It is going to be ok.
Zen