open eyes, likewater and living well i appreciate the responses. sometimes just having someone say they hear you helps. likewater i am in a group for suicide survivors, it's not the same though. i am addressing certain feelings but it's almost like both groups clash in themselves...for example in the suicide survivors group, which both my sis and i are members, everyone that's there now, they're loved ones either did it because they had a mental illness or it was something out of character for them. my sis and i, we just look at each other sometimes because my brother did it because of what we went through growing up. we haven't been able to bring this up. there's a lot of mother's whose sons did it and it just feels uncomfortable to bring up abuse history. i know it would probably be helpful but right now the trust level is not very high. so in suicide group i can't talk about abuse and in abuse group, i HAVE talked about my brother and the consequences abuse had for him, i've expressed my feelings about having him die that way and i just feel like nobody cares. when the next person is up to talk they go into this. i've tried to sit through these talks, the leader allows for them to talk about it, no matter how desparing they sound, she thinks it's healthy to get these feelings out. i agree but the thing is nothing really productive comes out of it, they don't talk about ways to improve or anything. it's almost like they just focus on the bad. livingwell you said it, it no longer feels healthy. everyone in this group has a therapist, i don't understand why they just don't discuss this in therapy instead of bringing it to a group where we're supposed to be discussing abuse. i just feel like i go to this group because i want to feel validated, heard, i want someone to tell me it wasn't my fault and that i'm an ok person. hearing people talking about self hatred, self harming, and suicide only makes me come out of the group depressed. i'm upset too because they've seen me leave several times, we are supposed to support each other, nobody has reached out to me and asked what is so triggering. nobody cares. i guess that's what bothers me that nobody ever cares. it just plain sucks. 3wks ago the therapist cancelled on me and now i can't go back because i have issues. i called once and didn't get a call back. i feel like an asshole. i feel like these people don't like me and they don't even care to know what the heck is my problem. i know i will get through this, i keep telling myself i will be ok and i will get through it. i know, i came this far, i can go even farther. it's just the pain and frustration eats at my soul in the process. normally i would be doing all those things you suggested living well, i love zumba, i've gotten into dancing groups, i love to scrapbook and used to go to seminars all the time. lately though i've had a lot of things come up for me, i am trying to deal the best i can. i really am. i don't know why it's so hard right now. therapy was going good and then that happened and now i'm just stuck. i don't mean to sound negative, i feel negative but i don't want to feed into it. I WILL BE OK. i will find a way out, don't have a plan yet. i think i just gotta sit with this for awhile. my brain feels overloaded right now. PC is all i have right now where i feel safe to talk and express what i really feel. i apppreciate everyone here. thank you so much for listening and trying to help me figure this out. you guys are all great and i admire your strength and draw from it.