Perhaps this has been discussed in great detail and I am late to the party. I am sorry if I am repeating something that is completely obvious to everyone. This is new to me in my recovery.

I have really been struggling the past few weeks, and it really started getting bad the past couple of days. I have been using every affirmation i know, writing here, reaching out, speaking with my T, etc. In particular, I was triggered over the weekend and started to spiral. Then, yesterday, I reached my limit (I was having SI)

I called my T immediately. Not because I would hurt myself but because I don't want to think this way anymore. I can actually SEE the way my brain was working. Whereas before, I would just automatically go there because everything was so painful. Now, I see all the ways I was trying to stay positive and fighting off the demons until I went to that place.

I haven't been sleeping well (still), and after being triggered again yesterday at the office (that brought me back to really horrible memories and flashbacks), I found myself spirling and reverting back to thinking of "old" thoughts. (I don't want to write about the particular thoughts because I don't want to trigger anyone).

My T explained to me that it's the PTSD bullying me: a thug in my head that is overshadowing the positive. A voice that is cruel or overbearing to me that I would never in a million years wish on my worst enemy.

I just could not take one more second from outside influences that were triggering me, and I did not have the tools (I ran out), and that is what lead me to the "old" thoughts.

Does this happen to you? Is this cyclical? Two steps forward and a major step back?