Rose, I just had to reply to your thread as everything you've posted could've come from my own brain! I too am just starting the SSDI process, I'm also a nurse and I've been dealing with depression for 20 years with the last few of them being told that I'm in the "atypical bipolar" category.

Over the course of the last 8 years I've slowly, slowly decompensated, having bouts of low dark depression when I wouldn't get out of bed or shower for days at a time. I've gone from being a "Nurse of the Year" at my last workplace to being given the opportunity to resign because I was about to be fired for absenteeism due to this damned depression.

From there I started an outpatient day program for SI's because I felt all of my problems were due to my being a lazy,selfish and immature person that just fails miserably on a daily basis. I did resign that last job as I didn't want the firing on my record. That was in October of 2010 and I haven't even TRIED to work since then. I wound up with a TRULY and DEVASTATINGLY unplanned pregnancy last June that almost sent me back to the psych ward. I had my baby in January and am still battling every single day to have the hope that things will eventually get better, while in the back of my head still telling myself that if I'd just grow up, shut up and get a job that I'd be just fine if I'd just decide not to ALLOW myself to be this way. So I really really feel your pain.

We are our own worst enemies, you know? My own expectations for myself are harsher than any anyone else could possibly set for me. Add depression/bipolar to that and it's just a toxic soup that leads to despair and hopelessness. Seeing my poor husband stressing over our situation is what's pushed me toward applying for SSDI. I tried to get an attorney involved for the initial application, but I live in Georgia, one of the WORST states for initial approvals (AND reconsiderations too), and all I've gotten are the "call us when you're denied" responses, I think b/c they know it's going to take work to get it approved, so they want to wait til I do all the INITIAL work for them, then they can take over once it's gotten to the reconsideration point. So I can't even GET any help with all this paperwork!!

Tonight I filled out the 15 year employment history and it took me 5 hours. Seriously, 5 hours. I've always worked in the same specialty, so I basically have the exact same job duties for each job, so I did a rough draft in pencil on a copy I'd made of the form, then when I got it how I wanted it I painstakingly copied it SEVEN times to represent the seven jobs I've had in the last 15 years. FIVE hours worth of copying. What these SSDI folks don't account for is that those of us that truly ARE debilitated by mental disorders are often not even capable of completing this amount of paperwork in the 10 days we're given. I have until Friday to complete that Adult Function Report and I'm scared I won't get it done! And the constant paralysis, inability to decide, not knowing what to write? I feel you on that too my soul sister! There's no good reason for me to be up after 1am stressing over these questions, but I just don't know what to write!

Please keep posting your experience with this process...it's been comforting for me to read and see that I'm not the only person on earth that feels like this. I know that doesn't make you feel any better about your own pain, but at least know you've helped me tremendously, just by venting your feelings as you've progressed to the point you now find yourself. We should compare notes one day, it sounds like the similarities between us are downright uncanny!

One form down, two to go, and two days to get them done~ I need some prayers folks!