i apologize...this is REALLY long and i dont expect anybody to read all of it but i have a million things flying around in my head right now and i hate journaling.....its like talking to myself but on paper and i already know whats in my head and i at least know this way there are people "on the other side"...

i had a crappy session today. unproductive. casual. i cant afford to have those right now....literally and figuratively. if i dont come prepared with all my thoughts and feelings written out in letter form i get nowhere. but its takes so MUCH time and energy....hours the day before to put it all together. and sometimes i just have weeks/days where i CANT put it together. there's too much flying around in my head to coherently put my it into sentence form.

i feel like after 20 some years of for whatever reason stuffing,blocking, ignoring, repressing feelings and emotions that the flood gates have opened and im going to drown. i started therapy 1.5yrs ago for problems with husband and concerns of possible CSA (problems were regarding sex) and now im waist deep in what feels like insanity. i cant turn back and be "old me"....unaware/workaholic/emotionally & intimately unavailable. sometimes i wish i never would've "stirred the pot". but it wasnt my choice....i think hubby would've left a long time ago had i not. Now im stuck. Trapped. And i dont know how to contain any of it anymore. And I cant shut it off anymore. I hate feelings and emotions. Im terrified of them. I dont understand them. I dont know how to handle or express them. Im embarassed by them...mine and other peoples. i hate this. i feel crazy. i just want to be able to talk like a normal person about my feelings and what im thinking whether its good or bad and not be so uncomfortable. i want to be able to understand my feelings and not question them or wonder if they are "ok". why is that so hard for me? i just want to feel like one person...not a little kid and then an adult and then calm and collected but falling apart and then a completely separate emotional person. is that normal? does everybody feel like that at times?

i just want some peace and contentment. with myself, how i feel, what i think, what im doing, where im going. i dont want to have so much fear or feel so lost and helpless. i dont want to shut down and disassociate anymore. i want to be able to have a normal sex life....whatever that is.

im trying to refrain from thinking "why"...why am i like this? what caused this? why why why why why. i have to know why! i feel like ive been asking "why" for a year. maybe i should worry more about how to fix it?

and i know im playing a push/pull game with T and she has no idea. she reminds me so much of what i wish my mom was like.....strong, steady, secure, stable, smart, self-assured,soothing, etc etc. whether she really is outside of her job i have no idea but i dont even care. thats how she is when im with her. i dont want to feel that way about her. i want to be able to leave and never think about her ever again. i dont want to need that kind of "mother figure" in my life and i dont know how to turn that off.

*sigh*

i needed to get all that out. every time i brain puke it feels like i wrote pages and pages and its really only paragraphs. if anyone has actually read this far, thank you.